BASEL, SWITZERLAND–After over 5 years’ preparation, Bilbao, in Spain’s Norther Basque region, has been removed as one of the co-hosts of this summer’s delayed Euro 2020. UEFA’s executive committee came to the decision after the Basque capital government, together with the local organising committee, was unable to offer the European football governing body the assurance that at least one local would give a shit about the three group games (all featuring Spain) and one Round-of-16 scheduled to take place the San Memes stadium.
Located in the heart of the Basque Country, a notoriously fierce separatist heartland, the Bilbao local government had been scrambling for over half a decade to find even a solitary local football fan who gave even half a fuck about the planned four matches. Their search ultimately proved fruitless, with the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic just compounding their wild goose chase.
While the Basque government and local organisers failed in their search for even one person who gave half a fuck that the pinnacle of European international football was coming to town, they did manage to find an abundance of football fans willing to support the Spanish national team in other ways.
These ideas included but were not limited to: cutting the brakes of the team bus, drone dynamite attacks during the game, distributing complimentary cups of tea containing a Novichok nerve agent to the squad right at the airport when they arrive in town, and organising herds of hellish, insane chacma baboons to greet the players at the training ground before their first practice session.
Seville, in Southern Spain’s Andalucia region, will step in to the host the four matches removed from Bilbao. This decision came after its local government confirmed that it has no problem guaranteeing that at least one local fan will care, as well far fewer people gagging to use the event as opportunity to perform a grisly, horrific act of separatist terrorism.