By Dave Martin
A month ago, my divorce was provisionally approved, making me a soon-to-be-divorced man and consequently meaning I deserved to be thrown into the Pit Of Disgusting Divorced Garbage Humans. And today, a month and a day later, it became official, meaning I am now legally divorced. And yeah, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Throw him in The Divorce Volcano!’
But whow there, hang on please!
Before you storm into my lounge room, finding me huddled in the corner, eating expired tuna out of the tin with nothing but my disgusting gross ass fingers, crying into a well-worn basketball shoe (as all divorced men invariably do every moment they are left alone), then wrest me away from desperately clinging on to the curtains and throw me in your van so you can drive me to The Divorce Volcano and throw me in, hold up, Sally!
Even though I am a wretched heap of diseased and disgusting heap of filthy trash, I can still do other things like:
• I’m pretty good at Mario Bros. (The first one) on Original 8-bit Nintendo. Not great, but not that bad either. I can get to like level 5, but I just can’t time my run under those rotating beams of flames well enough and I always die there. Or I just run too fast and fall into the pit. But level 5 is pretty good, no?
• I can cook a paella that I think tastes pretty good. Guests never comment on it either way, but they do eat it.
• I’m really good at finding decent quality, free streams of NBA games online.
• I’m not disastrous at mathematics. In saying that though, I guess most people are better at it than me, but there’s actually also a few people I’ve met who are worse.
• I can do this thing with my nose where if I strongly inhale, I can completely shut both my nostrils. Seriously. And it gets a mild chuckle like almost half of the time.
• I don’t have any assets, a car or even a couch, fridge or washing machine, but I do have a dog, and if we’re ever in Mexico or Venezuela, he’d probably be worth about US$1000 in some ransom situation. I’m not really sure how ransom works but I imagine the way it works is: a criminally bad man go and steal something you care about like your baby or animal and then he give you the moneys.
• This is currently my bedroom:
And I know what you’re thinking: ‘Uh Oh. A bedroom is designated a bedroom because to be a ‘bedroom’ it requires the exact amount of 1.0 beds in it’ And yeah, that’s true. And yeah, I also don’t have a counter-argument to that. But what I do have is more photos!
This is where I sleep right now:
Conclusion? Not sure.
• My skull and neck is attached to the rest of my body in the correct place it should be–pretty much directly in the middle between the edge of my right shoulder and my left one.
So to sum up, don’t throw me in The Divorce Volcano!