Getting conceived as a result of our mother and father making the naked sex into each other, and then being pushed through our mum’s cervix and eventually expelled out her vagina nine months later is fine and all, but the problem with it all, and the whole being-alive thing, is that we have to wait so goddamn long till our life is all over. Boring!
So to help you count down the hours while you wait to die, here are a few things to do to pass the time until death’s sweet tongue kiss of bye-bye love comes for you:
Wooshing and Shooshing down a monstrous slope of God’s white frozen droppings is a great way to run out the clock till you’re dead and can no longer go Shhhhhh and do big jumps and pause mid-air before you land and go Psshhhh anymore.
2. Remain alive
This is a popular one. Waiting to die can take a long time, so do this and the hours until it’s all over will go by quicksmart!
3. Make home-made ice cream
Does it seem like it’s taking forever for you to die? Well grab a bunch of eggs, milk and some berries from the store and whip up your own concoction of ice-cream at home and not only will it make Haagen Daas say, ‘Wow, who is this human person and how did they make this high-quality milky mound of sugar acid?’ but before you know it, you’ll have whiled away the hours until it’s all finally over. Well done!
4. Get job(s)
Jobs are a great way to run down the hours till you’re dead. One job is fine to get, but many jobs are even better. Bonus points if you get many jobs at once, and more additional bonus points if you accumulate crippling debt from purchases you can no way afford at the same time, as this will require your jobs to take up from 75%-85% of every 24-hour period of your life. You’ll be dead in no time! Good work!
5. Talk a lot of words at the people around you (and watch them talk words at you)
No matter who is around you at any given time, make sure you make word noises out of your facehole at them. Word shouting, or ‘talking’, is a very effective way to pass the time until you die. And ‘listening’ (the act of watching people make word noises out of their damp face cave) will make the time until you die go by faster than you can say ‘Seriously. Wow. Are you still talking?’
6. Organise your old bank statements in order of colourfulness
Wow. This is going to make the time fly until you die. Organise your statements in order of how faded the ink of your bank’s logo is. You can try passing the time till you die by collating your statements, for example in order of:
- ‘Most Faded to Least Faded’
- ‘Least faded to Most Faded’
- ‘Most-Faded to pretty sure this is faded (or Is this a black and white photocopy? I can’t tell.)’
7. Walk around a gas fireplace showroom
Now you’re talking. You may not be able to install a gas-powered fireplace in your apartment because you are renting it and it would be a clear breach of your rental agreement, or you just may think gas fireplaces are dumb, but don’t let that stop you. Walking around showrooms looking at pissy flames of gas-powered explosions is a great way to pass time till your heart has stopped and therefore can no longer supply any of your other organs the sweet life milk that is known as blood.
This one’s okay, but despite what you might hear, it’s not the greatest way to hurry up your life clock until it (and you) expires. The problem with this one is it’s actually kind of similar to what it’s going to be like to be actually dead, but the problem is it’s not. So when you wake up from each time you do the sleep dance, you’re going to be pretty bummed when you find out you still aren’t actually dead yet and still have months, years or (please-dear-god-no-fucking-no) decades to still keep waiting for it. What a tease!
9. Look at things other people are looking at WHEN they tell you ‘look at that’ and then tell other people to look at THEM TOO
Whether you’re standing around at the beach, near mountains or at a public meeting place, when someone says ‘Hey… look at that’, don’t miss your opportunity to tick down further seconds of your life by looking at whatever you heard them say to look at. Looking at things is a great thing to do while you wait to die!
10. Smash your little toe on the leg of your living room sofa
Not smashing your little toe on the leg of your living room sofa is a lacklustre way to spend your time while you wait to die. So when you walk past the sofa in the living room, be sure to look up and be talking to someone else at the same time. Also, be barefoot. Then: stub your little toe like a motherfucker. Success! And not only that, you’ll be dead soon too!
11. Complain about stuff that other people don’t like
When you hear someone complaining about something that was made purposely bad just so it would suck and it would be terrible and piss people off because it is so intentionally wretched, it would be wrong if you didn’t take the opportunity to also complain about this thing that is horrific and was made for the sole purpose of being bad. And not only should you yell at others at how bad this bad thing is (not to mention, you should also yell at the bad thing too), it’s a very effective way to make the time go quicker during the boredom festival that is known as life.