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Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup | Profile | QATAR: Hosts of the first ever World Cup to be held upon the corpses of Arabic-speaking migrant workers

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Qatar, taking part in their first Finals and the hosts of the 2022 FIFA World Cup.

Qatar’s flag depicts the wall that World Cup stadium construction workers must scale to collect their paychecks

QATAR 
Finally figured out an easy (but pricey) way to qualify 

Nickname: The Maroon
FIFA Ranking: 51 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result:
Automatically qualify as hosts

In 2022, The Qataris will be making their debut at the FIFA World Cup, and after several previous fruitless attempts to qualify, the national football team has finally figured out what it takes to win a place at soccer’s biggest stage. And it’s not hours and hours on the training pitch, grinding out tough results in far away, hostile locations or even simply luck, but all it takes is US $180billion, 10 brand new stadia, a few new airports, a completely overhauled transport infrastructure network and over 6 and-a-half thousand migrant worker deaths. Simple. After realizing that the only thing required to do to qualify for the world cup is to just host it, Qatar then applied to host the 2026 tournament. However they were immediately disappointed to learn that the event’s hosting rights had already been awarded to USA, Mexico and Canada.

One to Watch: The exposed wires in your cramped inhumane living quarters

If you’re a migrant worker, then you’re gonna wanna keep an eye on this. Particularly if, and more likely when your apartment floods. Knowing exactly where to step when water seeps into your apartment and turns it into a way less fun, real-life game of ‘Floor is Lava’ (where the lava is live electrical current and touching it means 5mA of 110V AC pumping through your body and instantly frying your heart) is going to also help you avoid having a bad time in Qatar.

The Highpoint: Winners, 2019 Asian Cup

Back in 2010, when Qatar won the rights to host the 2022 World Cup, most people would have been forgiven for thinking, ‘FUCKING QATAR??? ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME OR WHAT? FUCK. ME. WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE’. The Qataris have never qualified for a World Cup, meaning they’ll become the first ever team to take part in a Finals match without ever having qualified for the tournament. They’ve actually never even got close to reaching football’s grandest stage (well, apart from 1998), and prior to 2019 had never even advanced past the quarter final stage of the Asian Cup, providing sceptics with plenty of obvious ammunition when scouring their mindtanks for reasons why the World Cup going to Qatar was total bullshit.

That all changed in 2019 though, when just in time (a little too just in time, if you catch my drift?) blitzed through the 2019 Asian Cup in UAE, going all the way to the final where they then beat down 4-time champions Japan. This meant that Qatar, yes Qatar, will go into the World Cup in their own sandpit not only as defending continental champions but also immune to at least some of the ‘Qatar?? Are you fucking kidding me??’ barbs that are inevitably going to be fired at them.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming schedule

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
21 Nov 2022
QATAR 🇶🇦 x 🇪🇨 ECUADOR

25 Nov 2022
QATAR 🇶🇦 x 🇸🇳 SENEGAL

29 Nov 2022
NETHERLANDS 🇳🇱 x 🇶🇦 QATAR