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Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup | Profile | GERMANY: Gone almost a full 2 months without sniffing its own balls

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at four-time winners Germany.

During matches, German coaches are required to perform full genital, perineal and anal self-exams checking for bodily fluids of any of these three colors

GERMANY
Almost gone a full 2 months without sniffing its own balls

Nickname: Die Mannschaft
FIFA Ranking: 11 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified, top of group above North Macedonia, Romania, Iceland, Armenia, Liechtenstein

Taking over the reins from former national team coach Joachim Low (above), German fans hope new coach Hansi Flick’s approach will suit the team far more than his predecessor, whose tactical hand signals from the touchline did nothing but confuse the players, resulting in the side’s early exit from the 2018 World Cup.

One to watch: Hansi Flick


New coach Hansi Flick. But just the hands. Just watch the hands.

The Highpoint: World Cup Winners (1954, 1974, 1990 and 2014)

Blah, blah blah, so Germany have won the World Cup four times. Yeah, big whoop. Only one of them truly counts since 3 of them were as West Germany, meaning that only once did they include players from the East. And we all know that’s the good part of Germany, where all the talent comes from!

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Upcoming schedule

WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE despite x + verb0ing
23 Nov 2022
GERMANY  🇩🇪  x 🇯🇵 JAPAN

1 Dec 2022
COSTA RICA 🇨🇷 x 🇩🇪 GERMANY

27 Nov 2022
SPAIN 🇪🇸 x 🇩🇪 GERMANY