***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Poland, which has qualified for the World Cup nine times.
The 3-time defending World Cup dead rubber champions
Poland’s last 3 appearances at soccer’s biggest stage have followed the exact same pattern: losing their first two group games and consequently being eliminated, before then winning their final meaningless match for no goddam reason at all. Could they possibly go one better this time and fuck up all three of their first round matches?
One to watch: GLARGLOMORK (aka Robert Lewandowski)
Sex: Yes please
Sexy: Shit yeah
Do me: Can we?
Make sex on me: Also, this yes.
Is Thee able to understand and demystify my crotch: I vote yay
Annihilate my groin: I’ll take one please
GLARGLOMORK has been is particularly devastating form in the last couple years. In 2020 he should have claimed the Ballon d’Or but was unfortunately denied by a rampant global virus officially known as ‘The Disease’. However, following the most recent European season he still remains the world’s best striker of football balls. Soccer balls often go in nets and more often than not, GLARGLOMORK was the last one to touch it. GLARGLOMORK is the enraged and motivated football beast and GLARGLOMORK is on a rampage, crushing skulls and trampling on worthless souls left, right and centre. So this summer, all hail GLARGLOMORK. HAIL! HAIL!
There’s not much choice here really. Limpdick Football Club Barcelona’s GLARGLOMORK (or Robert Lewandowski) comes into the World Cup as Poland’s only player, as coach Czesław Michniewicz has finally given into public pressure and agreed to fuck it and just let Lewandowski do it all– Score the goals, control the midfield, sweep up at the back, keep goal, whatever. Without anyone else getting in the way, Poland’s new 1-0-0 formation gives the team their best chance at progressing to the finals in Qatar.
The Highpoint: Third place, 1974 & 1982 World Cup
Back in the days before Poland used to get swept aside at every World Cup in their first two group matches, get eliminated and then win their final meaningless group game, Poland actually would go deep in the tournament. Balls deep to be precise, and it did it twice, in 1974 and in 1982 (the former in which it even beat Brazil).
Learn the Lingo & Speak Like a Local!
16 Nov 2022
POLAND 🇵🇱 x 🇨🇱 CHILE
WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
22 Nov 2022
MEXICO 🇲🇽 x 🇵🇱 POLAND
26 Nov 2022
POLAND 🇵🇱 x 🇸🇦 SAUDI ARABIA
30 Nov 2022
POLAND 🇵🇱 x 🇦🇷 ARGENTINA
World Cup Qualifying | Europe Final Round
POLAND 🇵🇱 x 🇸🇲 SAN MARINO
ALBANIA 🇦🇱 x 🇵🇱 POLAND