***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Belarus, yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Overwhelmingly and Unquestionably The Most Popular National Team in Belarus since 1994
Nickname: Белыя крылы / Bielyia kryly (The White Wings)
FIFA Ranking: 97 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA)
In 2020, at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, starved soccer fans rejoiced as the Belarus league continued to play, one of only a handful of leagues to do so. And that’s why today not only are clubs like Neman Grodno, Isloch Minsk and FC Slutsk household names around the world, but all that extra match practice has helped them soar all the way up the FIFA rankings to 89th.
One to watch: The whole team really
This whole team is dangerous and capable of anything. Not in front of goal but in front of customs and airport police. When I say this team is capable of anything and I don’t mean they could surprise some more star-studded teams by nicking a goal on the counter attack, but more that they all could easily escape the team compound in a desperate attempt to be granted political asylum. For that reason, you’ll probably want to keep a close eye on the whole squad!
The Highpoint: One of only 2 European Leagues continuing to play at the outbreak of COVID-19/2 points short of a playoff spt, 2002
When COVID-19 broke out across Europe in March 2020, the Belarus football league was the only league to keep playing. And wasn’t it great? Isloch Minsk and its jolly accordion man playing merry tunes throughout the game, that “stadium” that had some garages behind one end where Belarusian no doubt go to kill themselves by carbon monoxide poisoning, and the cardboard cutout fans, which as shitty as it was, Belarus was the first one to do it. What a great time… oh we miss thee sometimes, COVID-19.
On the international front, Belarus’ best effort came in 2002, when coming into the final round of games, it needed to defeat Wales and hope Ukraine failed to beat Poland in its simultaneous match. Of course, surprise surprise, best bros Poland and Ukraine played out a draw, and Belarus slumped to a 1-0 defeat sending the latter automatically to the World Cup and Ukraine into the playoffs, at Belarus’ expense. Good one, dickheads. Not cool.
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Upcoming schedule | World Cup European Qualifiers
(Currently 4th in Group E)
Estonia 🇪🇪 x 🇧🇾 Belarus
Belarus 🇧🇾 x 🇨🇿 Czech Republic