***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS, FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022***
With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 14 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances), I’m going to preview or review which teams are looking good to qualify and which are the dumb losers who fucked up and are already out. The World Cup history is a tale resplendid with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. But what about the dumb idiot losers? Who shall tell us the tales of the fuck ups? How can you find out about the unsung heroes who are unsung for a reason, specifically because they suck massive ass?
Look no further my friend, as I bring you the complete update on who has fucked up already in qualification for the Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup.
FUCK UPS IN DETAIL #1: Eswatini vs Djibouti, Round 1 of African Qualifying
Here are 3 possible reasons that Eswatini blew it against Djibouti (Africa’s third lowest ranked team and a team 36 places below it in the FIFA rankings), in the first round of African qualifying.
Eswatini is home ti the world’s largest population of nesting vultures and any professional athlete will tell you that it’s tough to perform at your peak level when you are required to be in an exposed, unenclosed outdoor area for almost 2 hours with the ever looming threat of disembowelment by a flock of satanic shrieking trash birds. Despite dominating the tie and having and proving themselves to be superior in most areas of the park, the unrelenting fear of murder by avian evisceration may have proved too much for the Eswitanis to handle.
2. Not enough albinoes or epilepsy sufferers sacrificed
The blood of people of people with albinism or epilepsy is believed to bring good luck in Eswatini but perhaps the team’s elimination from world cup contention is due to the simple fact that they did not proper;y prepare by slaughtering the required amount of these two groups of people. Had the team merely crossed their t’s and dotted their i’s and exterminated and dismembered a sufficient number of epilectic or albino heathens as part of traditional witchcraft ceremonies, they may be taking their place in the second round of African qualifying, not calculating how much cattle their daughter is worth or getting AIDS like the rest of the country.
3. Focused too much on preparing their daughters for Umhlanga
Umhlanga is an annual fertility festival where the king chooses 365 confirmed virgins to live with him and be part of his harem for the following year. Any top class athlete will tell you that if your mind is not focused on the game but instead on either competition for your spot in the team, pressure from the media or a customary annual reed-dancing festival where 25,000 unmarried girls parade themselves for a king already with 17 wives you’re in big trouble.
So there you have it folks, Eswatini sure did blow it but know you know why! Shout out to Djibouti!