***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 10 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Zimbabwe, who’ve qualified for five African Cup of Nations but are yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Remembering the 1992 Dream Team, the greatest collection of sporting talent ever seen
Nickname: The Warriors
FIFA Ranking: 121 (Dec 2021)
To this date there’s been no greater collection of sheer talent than the 1992 Dream Team. And if you ask any sports fan, they’ll no doubt concur. At that point, there had never been a team of such sheer offensive and defensive ability, and the fact remains that there never may be another either. The 1992 Dream Team were not only marvels individually but when combining their forces for the national team, the team truly was a sum greater than its parts. Every player was a superstar in his own right, but there’s doubt that the two leaders of the Dream Team were Coventry City’s Peter ‘Air’ Ndlovu and Bruce ‘Magic’ Grobbelaar (despite the latter’s severe leg twitching condition that plagued his career) . The team had no trouble scoring, no trouble defending, no trouble getting FIFA to annul a result for them in order to help them advance to the second round of qualifying after a murderous crowd of 120,000 in Egypt almost killed them all, as well as very little trouble blowing their opportunity for World Cup qualification.
Brought together for the first time in 1992, the Dream Team would go on and dominate, dazzling their fans, silencing their critics, and easily accounting for every opponent, except for Guinea where they got owned 3-0 and then most decisively Cameroon in the last group game of World Cup Qualifying, where they lost 3-1 and missed out on qualification for the 1994 World Cup by a single win.
One to watch: Paul Strang
You think you’ve seen crazy spin bowling absolutely bamboozle batsmen, don’t you? You’re pretty confident that there’s not a leggie in the world that can rip one down the wicket and make you sit up and pay attention? You’re pretty cocky there thinking that now that you’ve seen every wrong’un or Mystery Ball that Anil Kumble or Shane Warne ever bowled at their peaks you’ve seen it all? Yeah, well get ready to first eat your own words and then have your brain detonate and explode like the 2020 Beirut explosion, ripping through your skull and leaving your brain and skull nothing but a pile of rubble. Here’s Paul Strang and his fucking cool 2 wickets in a 1994/95 triangular match against England in Sydney. Brace yourself and enjoy your last few moments of existence as I bring you the blissful, euphoric curtain call to your life that may only be granted by the Paul Strang wonders you are about to be witness to.. Whether in full or below… Enjoy and RIP.
You’re welcome for the bliss I have delivered unto you. Apologies for the Beirut style brain and skull explosion.
The Highpoint: Second in their 1994 World Cup Group (Round 2), falling one win short of qualification for World Cup USA 1994
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
None. Eliminated in the second round of World Cup Qualifying, and the group stage of AFCON 2021 (despite defeating Round-of-16 qualifiers Guinea and with a better record than eventual final Round-of-16 qualifier Comoros)