Categories :

Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | UAE: Whipped (Wuh-PSSHHH!)

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 14 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances), I’m going to be answering all the burning questions leading up to the tournament. Today, I take a look at formidable Arabian Peninsula state UAE, still in the chase for qualification to their 2nd World Cup having already appeared once, at Italia ’90.

The stripes on UAE’s flag represents all things dear to Emiratis– the green is for soccer, the white stripe peace and black the rejection of injustice. These, however, are all outweighed by the nation’s love of flagellation (represented in red)

UAE
Whipped (Wuh-PSSHHH!)

Nickname: Al Abyad (The White One)/Eyal Zayed (Sons of Zayed)
FIFA Ranking: 70 (Nov 2021)

Flagellation is huge in UAE. Public displays of affection, drink driving, even sexting, you wanna do these things? Well, expect about 40 lashes. Ditto premarital sex, drinking if you’re Muslim, bouncing a check or being gay. Those’ll each earn you about 80-100 lashes.

And soccer players don’t miss out on the fun either. Players committing reckless tackles in soccer are sentenced to 40 lashes, challenges that are dangerous or use excessive force 80 lashes and those who strike an opponent 100 lashes. These are administered on the spot by the referee and in situations where they are already whipping someone, the nearest linesman is charged with lashing the guilty player. The amount of lashes is carefully monitored and tallied by the Video Assistant Referee, who also has the power to overturn the sentence delivered on the field. However, at this point, as the player has usually already received 10-100 strikes of the whip, critics argue this intervention is often too late.

In addition to lashing by the referee, players are also subject to flogging by their own coach. Players who give up throw-ins to the opposition receive 5 lashes from their coach, those who concede corner kicks 10, and should a player concede an own goal, this is immediately punishable by 100 lashes (with the option of crucifiction).

One to watch wash: The Burj Khalifa

At 830 m, Dubai’s Burj Khalifa is the world’s tallest building, and the motherfucker’s external windows take a whole 3 months to clean. And even then, once the crew are finished, they start the whole process all over again. Better call and let the missus know you’re working late tonight!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Expats and visitors to UAE seeking beauty and full-body treatment should be wary of this question

Upcoming matches

FIFA ARAB CUP QATAR 2021
Quarter-Final
Dec 10
QATAR 🇶🇦 x 🇦🇪 UAE

FIFA WORLD CUP QLAMQTAR 2022 | QUALIFYING (ASIA) ROUND 3
Jan 27, 2022
SYRIA 🇸🇾 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Feb 1, 2022
IRAN 🇮🇷 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Mar 24, 2022
IRAQ 🇮🇶 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Mar 27, 2020
UAE 🇦🇪 x 🇰🇷 SOUTH KOREA