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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | TURKMENISTAN: Due to our excellent results, Turkmenistan has been given title of “Master of Sport of Universe”

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Turkmenistan, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Soccer pitches in Turkmenistan must be prepared according to the above instructional diagram, with a crescent moon and 5 stars painted into the grass and a traditional carpet featuring the 5 guls stretching from one sideline to the other

TURKMENISTAN
Due to our excellent results, Turkmenistan has been given title of “Master of Sport of Universe”

Turkmenistan laughs in the face of its foes and runs rings around them fearing no reproach

Nickname: Karakum Warriors/Emeralds
FIFA Ranking: 135 (June 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing 3rd in group behind South Korea and Lebanon

Turkmenistan is master of sport of universe. This is why it has officially been give title of “Master of Sport of Universe”. Our team is almighty and bow to no one. In fact, all other teams bow in presence of Turkmenistan.

Turkmen are righteously adroit at all sports pursuits

The Karakum Warriors are all-conquering and masters of all sports. Team has gone all the way to TWO Asian Cups, in 2004 and 2019, and have already won World Cup 2026. While these glorious outcomes are of no surprise to our righteous Turkmen, a people of great health and ability, OUR OMNI-POTENT nation bearing eternal neutrality has also excelled as expected in the World Cup, both in qualifying and in the Finals, where they have reached the triumphant achievements of <<<text missing>>> EXALTED GLORY.

Our nation is one of unstoppable sports greatness, not only in football. Turkmen ability in sports is unparalleled. BEHOLD AND LOOK AT OTHER EXAMPLES…

In Bowling:

In cycling (of bicycle):

In rally-car driving:

DJing:

Being big man:

In bowling (strike):

Doughnuts in self-designed vehicle around Darvaza burning natural gas field

Horseprancing:

Doing politics:

Precision handgun shooting (of bicycle):

Shooting gun (not of bicycle):

Dominating gym (exercise):

Dominating Gym (spotting):

Bullying weak inferiors in gym (post-injury):

Concentration while writing words:

Gold bar lifting (to rousing applause):

Car Mechanicing:

Basketball (standard):

Basketball (of bicycle):

Basketball (dribbling):

And football (best):

One to watch: Almighty “Protector” is not only master of sports but also of boom-bap, spitting rhymes and simultaneous guitar attack

You may have thought Turkmenistan is just master of sports, but this was the errant contemplation of a fool on your part. Turkmenistan is also master of the musics. Here is our Protector (above left), Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, making hit music song of rap music scrambled with guitar and singing voice of angel protector, Protector of the Turkmen.

And here he doing more horse-themed musics that shall make your heart seize and explode from overwhelming patriotism and lust for glorious Turkmenistan:

The Highpoint: Winners, Asian Cup 2004 & 2019

Results from these tournaments can confirm that great success was achieved by Turkmenistan. Yes, mighty success of glory, to glorious nation of Turkmenistan. Winners and ultimate champions and may both the Hero-Protector and the Son of the Nation, Turkmen president and chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers of Turkmenistan forever watch over the Turkmen and steer them clear of peril and on to further international domination in the sports arena, until the atavism and second coming of the Ruhnama and its subsequent worship of Turkmenbashy inevitably returns.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Over 15 years since the death of Turkmenbashy, Turkmen still make this common mistake

Upcoming matches

FIFA World Cup 2026 Qualifying (Asia)
TBD (lo and behold, ultimate triumph for Turkmenistan already guaranteed)