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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | TANZANIA: Tanzania national soccer team, I presume

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Tanzania, who are yet to qualify for a FIFA World Cup.

Tanzania’s national soccer team is forced to play on a pitch that has a muddy river flowing right through it, which has entirely flooded on its other side

TANZANIA
Tanzania national soccer team, I presume

Nickname: The Taifa Stars
FIFA Ranking: 130 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing behind DR Congo and Benin in Group J

After almost four years without any news, Tanzania National Soccer Team has once again been located. Following its maiden successful qualification to an African Cup of Nations in 2019, Tanzania National Soccer Team went missing without a trace. However, after years of silence, they have now been located, by ME, I (aka. this guy) and I shall be the first to share their earthly whereabouts with you, kind reader, in the form of this blog post.

You see, Tanzania National Soccer Team were rumoured to be traipsing around the dark continent in an apparent attempt to spread the good word of Soccer and abolish opposition defences. Yet, all communication had been lost with the Taifa Stars ever since their sudden disappearance during their first group game at the 2019 African Cup of Nations in Egypt, during a match against Senegal in which they first vanished off the face of the earth and were not seen for the rest of the tournament, or the ensuing years.

This was the last time Tanzania National Soccer Team was spotted, on March 24th in Dar es Salaam’s National Main Stadium

Alas, it is with great delight that I bring you news that Tanzania National Football Team are alive and well! Hark, I discovered them just today!

No soul has heard but two words from Tanzania National Soccer Team since their AFCON 2019 disappearance in their home country, but after much deliberation, I concluded that Tanzania National Soccer Team may be found somewhere deep on Internet. Once I located their possible whereabouts I asked internet ‘Is it here? Is Tanzania National Soccer Team here?’ and Internet replied, ‘Yes, it here. I just leave it now. I take you to it now.’ Totally beside myself in wild anticipation, I fought not to break decorum and kept my cool as Internet lead me to the object of my search. And there it lie, right before me, in all its glory. Tanzania National Soccer Team. I had finally located it. After all the men lost upon the journey, due to disease of desertion, before me finally stood the famed Tanzania National Soccer Team Wikipedia Page! I could nary believe my eyes.

I shakingly said, ‘Tanzania National Football Team, I presume…’. And Tanzania National Soccer Team responded courteously, ‘Yes.’ Overwhelmed with emotion after an treacherous near-4 year search, I then said, ‘I thank Wikipedia, I have been permitted to see you.’ To which Tanzania National Soccer Team Wikipedia page answered, ‘I feel thankful that I am here to welcome you.’

Following my rediscovery of Tanzania National Soccer Team, I learned that it is indeed in a poor state, absent of all the health and vitality it beheld around 4 years ago. Slowly, Tanzania National Soccer Team has been nursed back to health following its tumultuous and ultimately fruitless search for a 2022 World Cup place, and with optimism it now faces another round of African Cup of Nations qualifiers for the 2023 edition in Ivory Coast. Hence, while resources and supplies are low, morale and confidence is high, and it’s all thanks to me and the day I found Tanzania National Soccer Team on Internet.

Yours sincerely,
Sir Dave Martin (GCB)

One to watch: Your order, if you on the summit of Mt Kilimanjaro and you just ordered a pizza

Sure, Pizza Hut did break a world record for a pizza delivery when they delivered a pie to the 19,347-foot peak of Mt Kilimanjaro, but the climbers wanted a Supreme and instead they got a shitty, plain ass Margherita. So next you’re up on the top of Africa’s highest peak and have ordered a pizza, make sure you double-check your order before you tip the delivery driver, just in case they’ve fucked up your order too. And if you want anchovies, make sure it’s got ’em too, because god, they’re useless. I bet they’ve never got 1 order to Mt Kilimanjaro actually right.

The Highpoint: Winners of international soccer’s ultimate prize (for football playing nations mostly in east Africa and a bit in east Africa), southern Africa, 2010

Would ya believe it? In 2010 in southern Africa, the Taifa Stars claimed international soccer’s most coveted trophy (for countries in mostly East Africa and a bit in central Africa). Wow. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, Tanzania, in 2010, at the world’s biggest sports event (for countries that lie in east Africa or possibly in central Africa) claimed not their first, not their second, but their third World Cup trophy (for nations in mostly East Africa and a bit in central Africa). Defeating Ivory Coast 1-0 in the final, they incredibly took home the highest prize that all Soccer playing nations (in eastern and some in central Africa) dream of. Unbelievable. Unfathomable. Just unbelievable and unfathomable.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A Tanzanian man celebrates his country’s inaugural CECAFA Cup triumph in 1974

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | GROUP STAGE
4 June 2022
NIGER 🇳🇪 x 🇹🇿 TANZANIA

8 June 2022
TANZANIA 🇹🇿 x 🇩🇿 ALGERIA

19 Sep 2022
UGANDA 🇺🇬 x 🇹🇿 TANZANIA