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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | SOMALIA: Blew it (not once, not twice, but three times)

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doosie. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Somalia, a nation that first blew a lead to the pirates Guinean Coast, losing its spot as the world’s leaders in maritime piracy, and then blew a lead to Zimbabwe and lost its spot in World Cup qualifying. 

There was supposed to be a whole heap more stuff (including soccer balls) added to the Somali flag but humanitarian shipments of it were hijacked

SOMALIA
Blew it (not once, not twice, but three times)

Nickname: The Ocean Stars
FIFA Ranking: 194 (Dec 2021)

Riding a wave of success from 2005-2012, Somalia’s all-conquering pirates were way out in front of their competitors as the world’s #1 ocean terrorists. However, after reaching the lofty heights of 160 attacks on sea vessels in 2011, scoring millions of dollars in ransom money (while conceding very few deaths), the international maritime security defense effort within east Africa’s Cape of Aden was heavily strengthened, ultimately leading to a gradual drying up of opportunities for the country’s once-mighty sea looters.

Yeah, not anymore buddy. This might as well be retitled Somalia: The New Disneyland?

Overtaking Somalia’s vaunted sea strikers are the upstart west African pirates of the Guinean coast. Despite the sovereignty of the region’s coastal states, it’s thanks to local political and law enforcement corruption (particularly in Nigeria), inadequate regional naval forces, along with local pirates’ greater efficiency and organization (as well as speedier profiteering from stealing and selling crude oil on the black market, as opposed to drawn out, highly volatile hostage negotiations) the Guinean coast’s ocean terrorists have now taken the mantle as the world’s most feared sea criminals (albeit with a much lamer focus on oil siphoning and resale, instead of badass kidnapping crew for ransom).

In bars and pubs the world over, Somalia is now nothing but an afterthought in heated debates about cargo trade route maritime security in the Gulf of Aden.

You idiots, Somalia!

Oh and in football, in September 2019, the national team also blew a lead against Zimbabwe in the first round of Qlamqtar 2022 qualifying (twice). After winning the first leg in Djibouti 1-0 (played outside of Somalia due to security concerns) and then leading 2-1 late in the second leg in Harare, they ultimately shat the bed and lost 3-2 on aggregate, meaning they were eliminated from qualification for the Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup.

God, you really blew it Somalia. THREE FUCKING TIMES.

One to watch: The incoming mortar shell (if you’re Somali president Mohamed Abdullahi Mohamed )

On 31st June 2020, Somalia’s Mohamed Abdullahi Mohamed symbolically kicked the first ball at Mogadishu’s restored national stadium. Soon after, blasts from mortar shells struck both in and around the stadium. But don’t worry about getting disintegrated by a mortar shell yourself, because the attacks appeared to have been motivated purely by president Mohamed’s appearance at the reopening, so as long as he doesn’t attend any future national team matches that the Ocean Stars can now play at the refurbished stadium, you should be all good to enjoy the match, mortar shell-free!

The Highpoint: The 1-0 win over Zimbabwe in World Cup 2022 Qualifying of course

This win was for us long-suffering Somali national team fans– the first ever Somali win in FIFA World Cup qualifying. Kudos to us, long suffering Somali national team fans, kudos.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A Somali man sings the traditional song of the Coca-Cola people–dating back to 2010, it is traditionally sung every 4 years and historians claim that it is in the top-3 most fucking kick-ass World Cup songs of all-time (along with Waka Waka and The Cup of Life)

Upcoming matches

None right now, but be sure to check back here every hour. I’ll have news of the team’s next fixture up as soon as it comes to hand!