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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | SCOTLAND: It’s shite being the Scottish national team

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Scotland, which has appeared at the World Cup on eight occasions.

The cross on Scotland’s flag represents the one that appears next to the national team’s name at the end of 21st-century World Cup qualifying campaigns

SCOTLAND
It’s shite being the Scottish national team

Nickname: None
FIFA Ranking: 39 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from European playoffs (Path A), losing 3-1 to Ukraine in semi-final

It’s shite being the Scottish national team!
We’re the lowest of the low (relatively speaking, since France 98)!
The scum of the fucking Earth (if your classification of ‘scum’ is contingent on qualification but then failure of progression from the group stage of the World Cup, which we hold the record for)!
The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash, that was shat into civilisation (hmm this one seems controversial?)!
Some people hate the English, I don’t! They’re just wankers (who we played in the first ever international match in 1872, which ended sensationally 0-0)!
We, on the other hand, are colonised by wankers (who are ranked 5th in the FIFA World Rankings and have actually won the World Cup once as well)!
Can’t even find a decent culture to be colonised by (were The Netherlands or Belgium a better option?)!
We’re ruled by effete assholes (who although historically far better than us, we’ve beaten at Wembley 18, yep count ’em cunt, EIGHTEEN fecking times, aye)!
It’s a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy (Boyd? As in Tommy Boyd who conceded the own goal against Brazil at France 98?),
and all the fresh air in the world won’t make any fucking difference (well, at least we came up with the penalty kick)!

One to watch: Scotland’s David Marshall getting chipped by Patrik Schick from the Tatra mountains

It just wouldn’t be a Scotland major tournament match without a ridiculous, mindboggling and brainmelting calamity. And Euro 2020 was no different. During their opening match against Scotland, Czech Republic’s Patrik Schick seized on an overly ambitious long-range effort by Scotland’s Jack Hendry after it had ricocheted to the middle of the park, taking possession of the ball 1,310 miles from goal, in northern Czech Republic’s Tatra Mountains.

With Scottish Goalkeeper David Marshall caught halfway between his goal and the aforementioned Czech Tatra Mountains, Schick lobbed the ball over Stranded Mystery-Solving Teen/Mario Bros. character/NBA Slam Dunk Contest entrant Marshall and into the Scottish net. The goal gave Czech Republic a 1-0 lead early in the second half (before an eventual comprehensive 2-0 victory) and at the same time gave Scotland yet another demoralizing but hilarious horror Scottish national team story to laugh/cry at.

The Highpoint: The final moments before kick off at any major tournament

These are the moments before it all unravels. Whether via an absurd own goal when the score’s 1-1 against the defending world champions, conceding two unprecedented and identical free kicks in the same match to Peru, or being knocked out of a World Cup three straight times on goal difference, the final seconds before the referee’s blown to start Scotland’s first match in each major tournament it’s competed in have been each team’s crowning glory. It’s been the final moment the team and its lovable, boogying, never-say-die supporters, The Tartan Army have felt any fleeting sense of hope, optimism or joy of any kind at each respective tournament. Typically after that moment, and the subsequent kick-off, first comes the signature Scottish calamitous debacle, then comes the loss, then the elimination, then the anger, then grief, then numbness, then ultimately depression. Until the next tournament and we all go round and round and round again.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Scotland’s recent poor run of results may boil down to not being able to understand each other in their own cryptic language

Upcoming matches

UEFA NATIONS LEAGUE – LEAGUE B
8 June 2022
SCOTLAND 🥃 x 🇦🇲 ARMENIA

11 June 2022
IRELAND 🇮🇪 x 🥃 SCOTLAND

14 June 2022
ARMENIA 🇦🇲 x 🥃 SCOTLAND

21 September 2022
UKRAINE 🇺🇦 x 🥃 SCOTLAND