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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | SÃO TOMÉ AND PRINCÍPE: What’s your fucking problem, São Tomé and Princípe? Too fucking cool for Africa, are ya?

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 8 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Africa’s second smallest country by area, São Tomé and Príncipe.

Given the fact they were too cool to take part in qualifying for 2010 FIFA World Cup, someone should remove São Tomé and Príncipe’s red, white and green pan-African colours. Fuck it, take their black stars off them too. Wankers

SÃO TOME AND PRÍNCIPE
What’s your fucking problem, São Tomé and Princípe? Too fucking cool for Africa, are ya?

Nickname: Seleção dos Falcões e Papagaios (The Falcons and True Parrots Team)
FIFA Ranking: 183 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Eliminated by Guinea Bissau (3-1 agg) in first round of qualifying (CAF)

The 2010 World Cup in South Africa was the first ever held in Africa, and it’ll most likely be the last ever hosted by a country in the sub-Saharan part of the continent (at least in this century). For that reason, you’d think all African teams would’ve been climbing over each other, and clawing at each other’s throats like in the TV section of Best Buy on Black Friday just for a chance to make it to the final tournament in Msanzi. And for the most part, that was in fact the case, except for two fucking assholes, Central African Republic and São Tomé and Princípe.

Prior to their match-up in the first round of qualifying for South Africa 2010, as 51 other nations geared up to kick off their campaigns with the hope of competing in a World Cup on African soil for the first ever time, both São Tomé and Príncipe and Central African Republic decided to withdraw from qualifying altogether. Although no reasons appeared to have been given, it’s clear that they both thought they’re just too fucking good for Africa, too cool for the other 53 African nations and they just didn’t want to be spotted with the other African teams at the first ever African World Cup (and perhaps the last that will ever be held in Sub-Saharan Africa). Fucking Berks. Noooo, these cunts decided to sit it out, because possibly qualifying for this momentous event for Africa was all just all like, pfft, whatevs for them.

Yeah? Well fuck you too, São Tomé and Princípe (and Central African Republic, you can get fucked too). Africa’s too good for you, you don’t deserve Africa. And if you want to join another confederation, ala Australia in Asia or Israel in UEFA, please, be our fucking guest. Africa doesn’t want you, anyway.

Exactly the center of the world, 0° longitude, 0° latitude my fucking ass. Your country’s actually 6° off centre, ya knobs.

Good one São Tomé and Príncipe, ya flippin’ idiots, it’s only gonna be about another 8000 years until the World Cup comes to sub-Saharan Africa again. And don’t come crawling back when Egypt or a joint North African bid wins the hosting rights for a future World Cup either, you had your chance and you fucked it up. Don’t call, don’t text.

One to watch: All About Africa’s biopic, Football in Sao Tome and Principle (sic)

Released in Spring 2021, this illuminating depiction of the history of soccer in Sao Tome and Principle (sic) pops from start to finish. Exploring the true origins of the sport in the Island nation, this mind blowing biopic delves deep into what soccer means to São Tomeans, and with biting precision, addresses all the big questions regarding soccer in Sao Tome and Principle, such as ‘Who?’, ‘What?’, ‘When?’, ‘Where?’, ‘Why?’, ‘Which?’, ‘How?’, ‘Huh?’, ‘Uhhh excuse me?’ and ‘Wait, what is happening?’

The biopic is a 4 minute, 47 second magnum opus of San Tomean sporting history and although it’s largely an unblemished snapshot of what soccer means to Sao Tome and Principle, one can look past the film’s one flaw. Before sitting down to watch it, brace yourself for the 3:00 mark, whereupon a clear instance of FAKE NEWS rears its ugly head. Soccer fans should be aware that the Ethiopian squad picture at the 3 minute mark is NOT Sao Tome and Principle and in fact Ethiopia. Ethiopia is not Sao Tome and Principle and it’s not even São Tomé and Príncipe. These countries are just shy of 4,000km apart, so beware, Ethiopia=NOT Sao Tome and Principle.

Aside from its one slip-up, All About Africa’s exploration of what it means to be soccer in Sao Tome and Principle is a unparalleled masterpiece of the genre. Brava, All About Africa, Brava. 5 stars, no doubt.

★★★★★

Football in Sao Tome and Principle is out now and available to be watched your eyeballs on all internet online computer devices.

The Highpoint: defeating Sierra Leone in 2002 World Cup qualifying and 2013 AFCON Qualifying

Look away, Sierra Leone fans, because this one’s gonna make your eyes bleed! The greatest results in the history of the São Tomé and Príncipe national football team both came against the Leone Stars. The Seleção dos Falcões e Papagaios managed to overcome Sierra Leone in qualifying for the 2002 World Cup and in qualifying for the 2013 African Cup of Nations. Take that Sierra Leone, ya mugs!

Sadly, while these results did give São Tomé and Príncipe a huge boost in the rankings (including the latter result pushing them up to an all-time high of #115 in the FIFA Rankings), they both came in the first leg of 2 legged home-and-away ties, and São Tomé and Príncipe were ultimately not good enough to back up their first leg performances and succumbed to the Leone Stars on both occasions, resulting in their elimination from both tournaments.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Soccer players in São Tomé and Príncipe hear this one a lot

Upcoming matches

CAF AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | GROUP STAGE
TBD