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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | PERU: It’s all my fault, everything’s my fault, I’m such an idiot god I’m an idiot WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT (by Christian Cueva)

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 9 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Peru, who been to the World Cup on 5 occasions.

The white stripe of Peru’s flag represents Christian Cueva surrendering and giving up on life after missing a penalty against Denmark while the red depicts Mars, where the ball ended up landing

PERU
It’s all my fault, everything’s my fault, I’m such an idiot god I’m an idiot WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT (by Christian Cueva)

Nickname: La Blanquirroja
FIFA Ranking: 22 (Feb 2022)

Hi, I’m Christian Cueva and I’m a FUCKING. IDIOT. GODDDDD. I’m SUCH an idiot. Against Denmark at the World Cup in 2018 my team, Peru, missed a penalty and not only was it entirely my fault, but so was was everything that happened to the Peru national team after that moment, as well as everything ever before.

GOD I’m an IDIOT. Only a LOSER like me could be to blame for every shitty moment in the history of the Peru National Team. That game in Russia–you know the one, where I blew it because no doy, it’s me we’re talkin’ about here–was supposed to be a great occasion for my entire country, since it was the our first game at a World Cup in like a hundred thousands years. But noooooo, I had to go and fuck everything up and miss the penalty. From that moment on, throughout the whole tournament, we played like absolute horse shit, and it was all my STUPID fault. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT GODDDD IM SUCH AN IDIOT.

Even though we made it to Russia in crazy circumstances (no thanks to me of course) we’d go onto lose that opening match against Denmark and then also play out our two remaining games like complete fucking assholes, all because of me and my big stupid dumb idiot brain and ugly face and rubbish soccer skills. And it wasn’t just the World Cup fuck up that was TOTALLY ALL my fault. GOOOOODDDDDDDD I’m SUCH A LOSER SOMEONE JUST KILL ME NOW

Peru was invited to the first World Cup in 1930, where you guessed it, we fucked up ALL BECAUSE OF ME. We also took part in the 1970, ’78 and ’82 World Cups where, that’s right, you’d have to be a BIG DUMB IDIOT (more of a BIG DUMB IDIOT THAN I AM) not to guess what happened. Yep, yours truly at fault. Yet again. God I’m a FUCK UP. WHY WHY AM I SUCH A FUCK UP. WHY!!! IF I hadn’t missed that penalty, everything, EVERYTHING, from 1930 till right now, 2022 would have been great. But nnoooooo I had to be born, didn’t I?. God I’m such a screw up.

The Peru national team currently sits in 5th in qualifying for the 2022 World Cup (we’d be 1st if it wasn’t for my missed penalty in 2018) and if we do happen to make it to Qatar, it’ll have absolutely nothing to do with me, and if we don’t, well you better believe it’s gonna be entirely because of me and my stupid stupid STUPID STUPIDDDDDDDDD 2018 penalty.

One to watch: The ball from Cueva’s penalty (on Mars)

The moment Christian Cueva punted his penalty over the Danish crossbar in 2018, it soared out of the Mordovia Arena in Saransk, Russia, continued to ascend through the earth’s four atmospheric layers, into outer space, and then proceeded to fly 192 million miles, passing the sun on its way before landing on Mars. Patrons should be reminded that the ball is not a souvenir and please be aware that a ball boy is on his way to retrieve it.

The Highpoint: Peru’s greatest ever performance in an episode of Fantasy Football League (inspired by its 1978 World Cup heroics)

Once known as one of the world’s best midfielders, Peruvian marvel Teófilo Cubillas scored two cracking goals in this episode of Fantasy Football League with Frank Skinner and David Baddiel, both of which were inspired by the brace he netted at a World Cup 17 years earlier.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A local Lima girl gives a new friend her number in customary Peruvian fashion

Upcoming matches

FIFA World Cup Qualifying | CONMEBOL

March 24, 2022
URUGUAY 🇺🇾 x 🇵🇪 PERU

March 29, 2022
PERU 🇵🇪 x 🇵🇾 PARAGUAY