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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | PAKISTAN: FUCK SOCCER. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT SHIT. YOU SEEN KABADDI?!?!

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Pakistan, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

If a kabaddi player puts one foot over the white vertical stripe of Pakistan’s flag and one foot in the air, he will score one point so long as he makes it back to the crescent moon

PAKISTAN
FUCK SOCCER. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT SHIT. YOU SEEN KABADDI?!?!

Nickname: Pak Shaheen (Pakistani Falcons)
FIFA Ranking: 197 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (AFC), eliminated by Cambodia (4-1 agg)

YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! FUCK SOCCER. YOU EVER SEEN KABADDI BEFORE? BECAUSE THAT SPORT SHITS ALL OVER SOCCER, KICKS IT SQUARE IN THE BALLS BEFORE THEN DROPPING THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW ON ITS DUMB BORING HEAD KNOCKING IT OUT GIVING IT CTE FOR THE REST OF ITS LIFE. IT’S PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE THAT THE PAKISTAN NATIONAL SOCCER TEAM LANGUISH ALL THE WAY DOWN AT 197TH IN THE FIFA WORLD RANKINGS AND ARE THE ONLY ASIAN TEAM NEVER TO HAVE WON A WORLD CUP QUALIFYING MATCH BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHO FUCKING CARES??? SOCCER CAN FUCK OFF WHEN YOU’VE GOT KABADDI!!! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.

THE PAKISTANI NATIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM HAVE ALWAYS STRUGGLED INTERNATIONALLY AND SIT JUST 14 SPOTS OFF ROCK BOTTOM IN THE FIFA WORLD RANKINGS, BUT BLAH BLAH WHAT FUCKING EVER, BECAUSE KABADDI IS A SHITTON BIGGER THAN BULLSHIT SOCCER IN PAKISTAN AND YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD, BECAUSE NEXT TO KABADDI, SOCCER IS A TRAMPLED BAG OF DOG SHIT!!! AND NOT ONLY IS KABADDI 85,068 TIMES THE SPORT THAT SOCCER IS OR EVER WILL BE, BUT PAKISTAN ARE THE REIGNING WORLD CHAMPIONS IN CIRCLE STYLE KABADDI, WINNING THE MOST RECENT WORLD CUP IN 2020!

SO SCREW SOCCER, JUST TURN THAT SHIT OFF (OR CLOSE THE TAB ON YOUR PC THAT IS CURRENTLY ILLEGALLY STREAMING IT FROM A DODGY BUT GENERALLY RELIABLE SITE LIKE LIVETV.SX), AND CHANGE THE CHANNEL TO WHATEVER KABADDI MATCH IS ON INSTEAD (OR OPEN AN ILLEGAL STREAM OF IT). ‘CAUSE THAT KABADDI SHIT. KICKS. FUCKING. ASSHOLES!!

One to watch: The ball

No need for VAR here, this is clearly handball

There’s a greater chance of hell hosting a snow cone birthday party than Pakistan making it to a World Cup, and they couldn’t have been eliminated any earlier for the 2022 version (losing to Cambodia in the first round), but that doesn’t mean you can’t still support the country in Qatar.

Pakistan does it again!!

Got a soccer ball around? Well, pick it up, and while playing keepy-uppy, there’s no need to go crazy and imitate the skills of record national goal scorer Muhammed Essa or appearance record holder Jaffar Khan, but just check the label. Made in Pakistan? Probably! Nice work, you’ve done your bit for the nation and the football-producing town of Sialkot which is home to 1,000 ball making factories and produces 70% of the world’s footballs! And stay tuned in Qatar, because there’s one Pakistani that’s gonna have billions of eyes on it and going to decide every single game. It’s name’s Al-Rihla and boy howdy, is it gonna be flying into the net at this year’s 22nd World Championship of Football.

The Highpoint: Gohar Zeman’s hat-trick in a 3-3 draw v Sri Lanka, World Cup 2002 qualifying

Gohar Zeman after scoring his famous hat-trick

Having never won a World Cup qualifying match (the only Asian nation with the record), the greatest result in the history of this soccer minnow’s World Cup tale has been a 3-3 draw against its fierce rivals Sri Lanka in front of 1,000 people at the Beirut sports ground (played away from Pakistan for security reasons). Brilliantly, the Shaheen came back from 2-0 and 3-2 down, and equalised through Gohar Zeman’s hat-trick goal with just five minutes to play. It was their first ever point in World Cup qualifying, and while they have picked up a further three points since (three draws in the last 20 years), one can be forgiven for dreaming of the team one day even picking up a full three points from one single game!

*BUT SERIOUSLY WHO GIVES A FUCK? YOU SEEN KABADDI?? BELOW IS PAKISTAN’S HIGHEST POINT IN WHAT TRULY MATTERS–KABADDI… WINNERS OF THE 2020 WORLD CUP (CIRCLE STYLE)!!!!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

There’s only one thing that matters in Pakistan–kabaddi

Upcoming matches

Soccer: meh, no idea.

KABADDI??? YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT