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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | NIGERIA: Pretty jerseys, horrifying everything else

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 14 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances), I’m going to be answering all the burning questions leading up to the tournament. Today, I take a look at Nigeria, aiming to make their sixth all-time and fourth consecutive World Cup.

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Nigeria's football pitch have a patch in the middle where oil companies typically illegally destroy excess gas by illegal flaring
The middle third of Nigeria’s soccer pitches are barren due to acid rain from oil companies illegally flaring excess gas

NIGERIA

Pretty jerseys, horrifying everything else

Nickname: The Super Eagles
FIFA Ranking:
34

Historically, the kit of the Nigerian national team is extremely pleasing to the eye. This contrasts starkly with literally every other thing that happens in Nigeria, which when seen will make you want to gouge your own eyes out, or, if you’re lucky enough to be a young schoolchild who’s been kidnapped at gunpoint with hundreds of other kids for ransom, a member of a ship crew whose crude oil vessel’s been boarded by Nigerian pirates in the Gulf of Guinea or just a regular civilian out for a walk to a market in Lagos, you might be fortunate enough to have them gouged out for you.

One to watch: Yakubu Ayegbeni

Yakubu somehow fucked this up and missed this open goal vs South Korea at the 2010 World Cup

This fucking guy.

Against South Korea at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Yakubu had the chance to send Nigeria through to the second round, but goddamn totally FUCKED. IT. UP. Nigeria would have been only one of two teams (the other being Ghana) to get out of the group stage in the first ever World Cup on African soil, but fucking Nooo. Homeboy had to go and shit the bed and somehow conspire to blow this chance, with the Super Eagles ultimately drawing 1-1 and as a result crashing out of the tournament. So watch this fucking guy. Even though he’s retired, make sure he doesn’t even come within a continent of a Nigeria game, lest he somehow try to weasel his way onto the squad again, just to fuck everything up again.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A Nigerian boy works on his headers at a local soccer field

Upcoming matches
World Cup Qualifying | Africa | Round 2

Nov 11
Liberia 🇱🇷 x 🇳🇬 Nigeria

Nov 14
Nigeria 🇳🇬 x 🇨🇻 Cape Verde