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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | MYANMAR: Not even the Moken Sea Gypsies saw this coming


The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 5 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Myanmar, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

The yellow stripe on Myanmar’s flag represents the optimism the national team feels before its matches, the green the coming down to earth it soon feels once matches commence and the red the hemorrhaging of goals it typically experiences not long after

Not even the Moken Sea Gypsies saw this coming

Myanmar’s Moken seen here not worrying about the state of the 158th ranked national team

Nickname: Chinthe (Lion) /Asian Lions
FIFA Ranking: 158 (June 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing last in group behind Japan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan and Mongolia

Living off the coast of Myanmar and Thailand for thousands of years, the Moken people are a nomadic tribe that have developed an intuitive connection with the sea and the way it behaves (even learning how to see clearly in the water). And on December 26, 2004, as the tide began to recede following the 9.1-9.3 magnitude earthquake that occurred in the Indian ocean, The Moken sensed what was ahead and immediately fled to higher ground. As the tsunami drew closer to land, they were well aware of the torment and destruction that lied ahead, but when it came to the rapid decline of the Myanmar national team following its runners-up finish at the AFC Asian Cup, winning the Asian games twice and the South Asian Games multiple times throughout the 1960s and 70s, the Moken either had no idea or conveniently did not say even one word.

The Moken failed to foresee Japan crushing Myanmar 10-0 in 2022 World Cup qualifying

On top of its continental success half a century ago, in 2015, Myanmar’s Under-20s national team also reached the Under-20 FIFA World Cup in New Zealand, making it the first national team in the country’s history to reach the finals of a FIFA event. But whereas in 2004 the Moken people were well aware that ‘The wave is created by the spirit of the sea,’ and it ‘had not eaten anyone for a long time, and it wanted to taste them again,’ they were oblivious to the fact that in the space of a couple generations, the senior national team was about to go from being one of Asia’s most promising nations to one of its most god-awful, finishing above only Laos in the second round of World Cup 2018 Qualifying, even worse four years later (bottom of their group in 2022 qualifying) and then, even worse than that, bottom of their group in qualifying for the 2023 AFC Asian Cup.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… you’re asking yourself: ‘Why they knew?’ right? You’re asking yourself ‘Why they knew?’. Well here you go:

But the question remains: ‘Why they no know about the Myanmar national team sucking ass as much as they do now?’, to which the answer no one know.

Tone deaf when it comes to predicting the fortunes of the Myanmar national team, the Moken also don’t have a word in their language for ‘want’; they are unable to express desire. There are words for ‘give’ and ‘take’, but not ‘want’, and what’s more, time is also expressed differently–the Moken have no word for ‘when’. This works out perfectly, because if you’re a fan of Chinthe, and you ‘want’ them to improve in as little ‘time’ as possible, forget it. In the language of the Moken, and the language of common sense, right now, that makes ZERO sense.

One to watch: Bloodshed or no bloodshed, Make sure you do your chestpops and shimmies

Invoking a 2008 constitutional right giving it the right to declare a state of emergency just, you know, where ever because whatever and because ‘the election was stolen’, on February 21, 2021, a convoy of armed vehicles stormed the Myanmar capital’s parliamentary complex in an ultimately successful coup attempt. And with Myanmar about to plunge back into the mire of junta rule after just 10 years of long-fought-for democracy, fitness instructor Khing Hnin Wai recorded her regular fitness instruction video, a helpful routine that includes the right amount of shimmies and chestpops, but starkly lacks the routine indiscriminate shooting in the head of peaceful protestors, summary mass killings, torture and razing of villages that has become a staple of the military junta since indefinitely seizing control of the country a year ago. Check it out and do as she does, not as they do!

The Highpoint: Under 20 World Cup and Olympics

Yeah, this is the most recent event that the Moken failed to warn anyone about, the slack cunts.

Myanmar is one of the few South East Asian nations to qualify for a FIFA tournament (and an Olympics), but ultimately, it meant jack shit. Some of the past winners of the U-20 FIFA World Cup have gone on to become powerhouses in the real thing, like the 1987 winners Yugoslavia (full of Croatian players who went all the way to the semi-finals in the 1998 World Cup), 2005 champions Argentina (with Leo Messi among them) and 2003 runners-up Spain, who went on to win the FIFA World Cup in 2010.

That was not quite the case for Myanmar though, as in their only ever shot in a FIFA event, they blew all three group games (even getting flattened by shitty host New Zealand), ended up with a -11 goal difference and haven’t been witnessed at a FIFA tournament since.

Where were ya, Moken? When you knew Myamar would lose their first group game by a single goal to the USA, get steamrolled 6-0 by Ukraine and then even get smoked 5-1 by crappy New Zealand (leading 1-0 in two of their three matches), where were ya, huh?

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

In Myanmar (or ‘Burma’ as it will always be to some), this gibberish expression is used to send young local boys away for slicing a pineapple in half too loudly

Upcoming matches

As long as players don’t protest, they can do what they want