***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 5 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Mongolia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Just you wait… once FIFA permits players to compete on horseback… just you wait…
Nickname: The Blue Wolves
FIFA Ranking: 184 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below Japan, Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan
It is said that ‘A Mongol without a horse is like a bird without wings,’ which is fitting because throughout its history in international soccer (a sport that doesn’t allowed players to participate while mounted on horses)–the Mongolia national team has played like an flightless bird that wants to take off from the ground but can’t because it’s one of those rubbish flightless birds like the penguin or the dodo. Picture an emu or an ostrich trying desperately to fly. Fucked up and dumb, right? Yeah well, apart from like 4 or 5 games in its history, that’s Mongolia and soccer.
But that’ll no longer be the case if Mongolia gets its wish and instead of running around the soccer pitches with boots on players are allowed on horseback in FIFA-sanctioned matches. Horses outnumber people in Mongolia, and for centuries, horses–and in particular Mongol horses–have played a central role in Mongolia’s history, its culture, identity, music, diet, hunting, folklore, literature, poetry, sports and basically everything else. From a young age, controlled and adept horsemanship is a measure of a man’s strength and capability, so it’s only fair that the Mongolia national team should be allowed to represent their own heritage by galloping up and down soccer pitches in official matches on horseback.
Genghis Khan once said of his people, ‘Give a man a horse and he can defeat the world.’ Which, in turn, without explicitly uttering it, he was also saying, ‘If you don’t give a man a horse, in World Cup qualifying they can only expect to defeat Kyrgyzstan, Myanmar, and Timor-Leste after initially losing convincingly on aggregate, then being awarded the win by forfeit but the decision being handed down too late to be reinstated.’
If (or when?) players be allowed on horseback in international football, watch out for the Blue Wolves. And once that provision’s made by FIFA, the next step for Mongolia is to push for the allowance of horse-mounted riders to be permitted to shoot arrows during international soccer matches. Mongols in Genghis Khan’s time could, at full gallop, slide themselves down the side of a horse to protect themselves from enemy fire, and then at the same time maintain their bow under their horse’s chin and return fire. If horse-mounted football players are allowed to carry archery equipment, it’s all over–all future World Cups are as good as Mongolia’s.
One to watch: 1 out of 100 of the guys you know and their relation to Genghis Khan
The ruthless Genghis Khan tore through central Asia and Western Europe in more ways than one, to the extent that to this day, 1 out of every 200 men is a descendent of the Mongol warlord. With that in mind, make a list of 200 of the guys you know, because one of them is likely a descendant of one of the most brutal warlords in history. Now, it may be hard to determine who it is, but don’t worry, it should soon become evident. You’ll quickly know exactly which guy friend it is when he’s razing villages, eradicating local populations and attempting to unite countless tribes and form the largest empire in history. That’ll be your guy! And here’s another clue, listen out for that one friend of yours who, whenever he razes and pillages an entire village, then defiles all its women and, right before slaughtering and cannibalising all its men and boys, loves to cry out, ‘FEED THE HORSES!’
The Highpoint: Beating Kyrgyzstan in a World Cup Qualifier
By the tail end of qualifying for the 2022 FIFA World Cup Qlamqtar, Mongolia had taken a bath, even getting plowed 14-0 by Japan. But despite already being eliminated from contention, with no chance of progression to third round, the Blue Wolves refused to disintegrate entirely, and in their final group game in June 2021, played at Osaka’s Yanmar Stadium Nagai, they landed one final blow to their Central Asian foes Kyrgyzstan, going out winners 1-0.
And yeah, sure, it’s Kyrgyzstan, but c’mon, Mongolia is a nation of just 3 million people, most of whom are too busy fermenting mare’s milk, sprinkling mare’s milk on their horses for good luck, wrestling, drinking mare’s milk or playing archery or yak polo. So let’s put this into perspective, that’s like the 10 win-72 loss, 2015-16 Philadelphia 76ers defeating the 21-61 Brooklyn Nets of that same season, in a game played at the home arena of the Indiana Pacers. Sure, it’s not like winning the championship, but fuck, imagine that, it’s still a win against a slightly less bad team, and a local rival at that, played in an neutral arena (with 0 fans). So lay off, would ya.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
On horseback: none
Not on horseback (regulation Association football rules): Also none