***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IFROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Mauritania, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
If there were a FIFA ranking for nations who’ve only just criminalized slavery they’d be 1st
FIFA Ranking: 103 (Nov 2021)
In 1981, Mauritania became the last country in the world to abolish slavery, officially criminalizing it only 14 years ago. Which also means that it’s the highest ranked FIFA nation among those who’ve only made slave trade legal in the 21st century, with Niger (ranked #113) being the only other FIFA member to do the same only this century. But the Mauritanians shouldn’t get too comfortable atop the pile, because should FIFA recognise current non-FIFA-affiliated Western Sahara, who only outlawed slavery in 2010, it would be The Dromedaries, as they’re known, who’d take Mauritania’s place as the world’s new abolitionist champion.
One to watch: ANY of the 300+ beauties in Nouadhibou, the world’s largest ship graveyard, where EVERYTHING must GO GO GO but CAN’T CAN’T CAN’T!!
AVAST YE, MATEY!! IT’s A SALE SALE SALE!!! If you’re on the lookout for an inexpensive way to get into sea-faring or just another vessel to add to your cross-sea migrant smuggling fleet, then look no further than Nouadhibou’s abandoned ship graveyard! What originally was just a tiny side hustle for us here in Mauritania, turned out to be somewhat of a money spinner for local authorities as they increasingly accepted bribes to allow ship owners to dump their rotting seacraft in the Mauritanian bay. BUT FORGET ABOUT THAT BECAUSE WE’RE HERE TO GET YOU INTO THE BOAT OF YOUR DREAMS! And you look like someone who KNOWS what they want, so go ahead, take one of these babies for a spin! All we need from you is a one-time-only, full and complete payment of the whole amount and then not only will we tow you, FREE OF CHARGE, out of the bay and into the North Atlantic Ocean, but we’ll even throw in a battery-powered propeller that might possibly get you moving. Just one thing, beware of those pesky Nigerian pirates coming up from the Guinean Basin, but you know what, actually don’t even worry it, because you’ll be dead before you even notice them! Wait whow Did I say that Whoops, never mind, TIME TO WEIGH ANCHOR AND HOIST THE MIZZEN! SAIL HO!
The highpoint: Defeating Syria, FIFA World Cup 2022 in Qatar? Or Arab Cup 2021 in Qatar?
Aside from the odd futile defeats of Zimbabwe in the 2006 World Cup campaign and another team that I can’t be bothered looking up in some other one, Mauritania haven’t had anything show for their World Cup efforts It you got your calendar mixed up by a year and thought it was 2022 last November, well this one’s for you, because Mauritania got a win in a major tournament held in Qatar. Was it the World Cup? Was it the FIFA Arab Cup? The calendar said ‘November 2021’ right, not 2022, right? Well, there you go. Congratulations to Mauritania for its first ever win at a World Cup (FIFA Arab Cup?) over Syria 2-1.
And what was the Arab Cup you ask? Well, here you go, this should fill you in, you moron!
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
FIFA ARAB CUP | Qatar 2021
Tunisia 🇹🇳 x 🇲🇷 Mauritania
Mauritania 🇲🇷 x 🇦🇪 UAE
Syria 🇸🇾 x 🇲🇷 Mauritania
AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS | Cameroon 2022
Mauritania 🇲🇷 x 🇬🇲 Gambia
Tunisia x 🇲🇷 Mauritania
Mali 🇲🇱 x 🇲🇷 Mauritania