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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | MALDIVES: Glug glug glug

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 14 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances), I’m going to be answering all the burning questions leading up to the tournament. Today, I take a look at Maldives, whose best World Cup performance is holding South Korea to a 0-0 draw and defeating Vietnam in 2006 World Cup qualification.

To gain access to soccer fields in Maldives, players need to first successfully wade through their surrounding bloody, shark-infested waters

MALDIVES
Glug glug glug

Nickname: The Sea/The Red Snappers
FIFA Ranking: 156 (Oct 2021)

A member of the Maldivian national team works on his headers during training

Rising sea levels are of particular concern to Maldives as over 80% of its islands are less than one metre (3.3ft) above sea level. Not only does this gravely worry the nation’s half a million inhabitants but it makes any attempts at playing soccer difficult, not to mention incredibly perilous. While training sessions or matches are in progress, players must keep one eye on the ball and the other on the tide as training sessions often either at best descend into a waterlogged farce on a flooded pitch, or at worst a grisly bloodbath where players are savagely dismembered by tiger sharks.

One to watch: Ali Ashfaq

Recognized as The Red Snappers’ greatest ever player, Ali Ashfaq is seen here executing a perfect bicycle kick in a Maldives league match

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A typical day in the life of a Maldivian office worker

Upcoming matches
None