***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be the tournament’s greatest edition yet. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Kuwait, who’ve previously qualified for the World Cup once, in 1982.
Things were going great up until the diagonal drills
Nickname: The Blue Wave
FIFA Ranking: 142 (Dec 2021)
Throughout the 1970s and early 80s, Kuwait’s (along with neighbours Iraq) extensive reserves of soccer talent coupled with its disciplined, straight-line approach to drills lead to it becoming a continental powerhouse. The Blue Wave qualified for the 1982 World Cup in Spain, winning 7 of the first 10 Gulf Cups, while also progressing to the final of the 1976 Asian Cup and then winning it in 1980. Up until that point, Kuwait had employed a conventional approach to practice and matches, performing traditional straight-line dribbling and passing drills that helped them become the envy of the continent. For years, things continued swimmingly, but the country’s audacity to begin doing illegal diagonal drills would ultimately prove to be their downfall. This strategic switch from conventional straight-line drills to unlawful slanted drills was condemned by neighbours Iraq and after the Kuwaitis failed to meet its demands for compensation, Iraq initiated a straight-line drill of its own, directly drilling Kuwait with 300,000 invading troops. Thus began the Kuwait national team’s direct vertical drill down the FIFA rankings.
One to watch: Your burger
Outside of the pacific islands and USA, Kuwait is the most obese nation on earth. So keep a close eye on your burger, because no doubt some Kuwaiti fatty boomba is just waiting to swipe it with their fatass doughy sausage fingers before you even say what for.
If your burger’s got ham in it though, don’t worry, ’cause the joke’s on them; Allah will sort them out.
The Highpoint: 100% walkoff success rate at the 1982 World Cup
After going down 4-0 to France in Valladolid, President of the Kuwaiti Football Association, Fahd Al-Ahmad ordered his players off the pitch, arguing they had stopped playing due to an official’s whistle (which in fact came from a fan in the crowd). His pressure had the desired effect and the goal was overturned, however, the Sheikh was unsuccessful in overturning any of the other 6 goals the team conceded in the tournament and they bowed out at the group stage.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Nope. Eliminated in the second round of World Cup qualifying (Asia) in second round.