***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Iran, which has qualified for the World Cup six times.
Getting great mileage out of the “Only Allah is perfect” defence
Nickname: Team Melli
FIFA Ranking: 22 (Sep 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified
Persian rug makers traditionally incorporate errors in their carpets as they believe that only Allah is perfect. The Iranian national team adheres to the same principle, which despite being Asia’s top ranked team, are good but not that good (they are still below USA – I mean, come on). And if they’re ever to, god forbid, make a World Cup Final, they’ll be forced to incorporate a loss into the match, as only the One and Only can actually be the best.
One to watch: Israel
If you’re a fan of Team Melli, you really don’t want the national team to be drawn to play against Israel, as actually playing the match would be akin to defacing a Qur’an by drawing multiple pictures of Mohammed, cross-eyed, buck-toothed and being penetrated by multiple cocks, and then taking the Holy Text and taking a huge BM on it. Thankfully, due to the match being at the top of FIFA’s prohibited fixture list, the only way the two teams could actually meet would be in a FIFA World Cup final. This would leave Iran, and its players, staff and the football federation in quite the pickle. Play and instantly disgrace the name of Islam, leading to certain punishment for blasphemy by hanging/beheading (of their children and entire families too), or take a raincheck and just choose to sit it out? Wow! It’s sports’ ultimate ‘what if’!
The highpoint: Qualifying on away goals, 1998 World Cup/Defeating USA, 1998 World Cup/Mehdi Taremi’s strike (as it hit his boot, not after)
Despite never having advanced past the group stage in its 5 prior World Cups, Iran’s fans have still had their share of World Cup euphoria. First they came from 2 goals down against Australia in Melbourne to qualify on away goals (As a 15-year-old, I swore that night, after the match, that I would never buy anything from Iran, and I’m not sure, but maybe I haven’t!), then they beat their arch-nemesis USA at the finals, and at the 2018 World Cup, with the score at 1-1, Iran just needed one more goal to reach the round of 16. And as the ball fell the Mehdi Taremi in the dying stages of their final group match against Portugal, they were gonna go through! HERE IT IS!!!!!!!….
But no…. wide. Whoopsie doosle. Iran = eliminated.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
21 Nov 2022
ENGLAND ☕️ x 🇮🇷 IRAN
25 Nov 2022
WALES 🐉 x 🇮🇷 IRAN
29 Nov 2022
IRAN 🇮🇷 x 🇺🇸 USA