***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), I’m going to be answering all the burning questions leading up to the tournament. Today, I take a look at Iran, aiming to qualify for its sixth World Cup.

IRAN
Getting great mileage out of the “Only Allah is perfect” defense

Nickname: Team Melli
FIFA Ranking: 22 (Sep 2021)

Persian rug makers traditionally incorporate errors in their carpets as they believe that only Allah is perfect. The Iranian national team adheres to the same principle, which despite being Asia’s top ranked team, are good but not that good (they are still below USA – I mean, come on). And if they’re ever to, god forbid, make a World Cup Final, they’ll be forced to incorporate a loss into the match, as only the One and Only can actually be the best.

One to watch: Israel

If you’re a fan of Team Melli, you really don’t want the national team to be drawn to play against Israel, as actually playing the match would be akin to defacing a Qur’an by drawing multiple pictures of Mohammed, cross-eyed, buck-toothed and being penetrated by multiple cocks, and then taking the Holy Text and taking a huge BM on it. Thankfully, due to the match being at the top of FIFA’s prohibited fixture list, the only way the two teams could actually meet would be in a FIFA World Cup final. This would leave Iran, and its players, staff and the football federation in quite the pickle. Play and instantly disgrace the name of Islam, leading to certain punishment for blasphemy by hanging/beheading (of their children and entire families too), or take a raincheck and just choose to sit it out? Wow! It’s sports’ ultimate ‘what if’!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches
World Cup Qualifying | Asia Round 3

Nov 11
Lebanon 🇱🇧 x 🇮🇷 Iran

Nov 16
Syria 🇸🇾 x 🇮🇷 Iran

Jan 27
Iran 🇮🇷 x 🇮🇶 Iraq

Feb 1
Iran 🇮🇷 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Mar 24
South Korea 🇰🇷 x 🇮🇷 Iran

Mar 29
Iran 🇮🇷 x 🇱🇧 Lebanon