***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Indonesia, which has qualified for the World Cup once, in 1938.
The George Costanza of international soccer
Nickname: Merah Putih (Red-White)
FIFA Ranking: 159 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing bottom of Group G behind UAE , Vietnam, Malaysia and Thailand.
Indonesia’s national team’s history is the exact opposite of everything it wants it to be. In 1938 (as Dutch East Indies) it was the first ever Asian team to qualify for the World Cup, but then lost its only match 6-0 to Hungary, meaning that today it holds the record for the nation who has played the least amount of games at the World Cup after qualifying (one).
In the 1998 edition, it purposely scored an own goal in its final group game against Thailand in order to avoid playing Vietnam in Ho Chi Minh City on their national day, only to then lose in the subsequent semi-final to Singapore, get fined and have its defender Mursyid Effendi banned for life. Classic. They then made the 2000, 2002, 2004, 2010, 2016 and 2020 AFF Championship finals, only to lose every single one of them. Indonesia was also the first team ever to lose to Bangladesh–that’s right Bangladesh–in a World Cup qualifier, and it was disqualified from 2018 FIFA World Cup qualification for having not just one average league but a second, breakaway average league.
Most recently, Indonesia lost to Vietnam for the first time ever in a competitive fixture, and here’s the topper, also during World Cup 2022 qualifying they lost to another of its fiercest rivals, Malaysia 3-2 at home after leading 2-1, and it was also the Malaysians who officially eliminated them from World Cup qualification with a feeble 2-0 defeat in Kuala Lumpur. Woof. What a pear-shaped loser.
From the time its bitter political and cultural rival Malaysia was founded in 1963 (then Malaya), Indonesia have continued to head to international tournaments full of hope. God knows why they do though, invaribaly, whether its World Cup qualifying, Asian Cup finals, or their hilarious history in the AFF Championship. They should just not go–they’re the loser. Malaysia, Vietnam and Thailand are the winners. To the victor belong the spoils.
While the Asian Cup 2023 on the horizon for Indonesia after it booked its ticket a couple weeks ago, its rival Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam could care less and remain adamant that with all their combined success and Indonesia’s record of failure, they’ll always be the winners, and Indonesia will always be a loser.
One to watch: That look on her face when you surprise her with corpse flowers
It may be old-fashioned but Indonesian girls still love a romantic gesture. And nothing’s more romantic than being given Indonesia’s native Amorphophallus titanum flowers. Some might say its cliched and antiquated but most girls would agree, there’s still just something special about being given a bouquet of the world’s worst-smelling flower that emits a scent of cheese, garlic, rotting fish, smelly feet, rotting flesh and death.
The Highpoint: One of the 6 AFF Championship final losses, I guess
Take your pick of whatever final of the AFF Championship that Indonesia’s blown. Whether 2000, 2002, 2004, 2010, 2016 or 2020. Or any of the four Asian Cups that the team reached and then got trounced at. Either way, if you’re a sick fuck that likes celebrating failure, you’d do well to adopt the Indonesians as your new team. And if you’re already an Indonesian fan, well, good, stay that way!
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
AFC ASIAN CUP 2023