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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | ETHIOPIA: 4.4 million years later, still no good at soccer

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Ethiopia, one of the founding members of the African Football Confederation, but who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Ethiopia was gonna go outside and play soccer but instead made this cool star out of popsicle sticks (isn’t it great?)

ETHIOPIA
4.4 million years later, still no good at soccer

Ethiopians’ soccer abilities have only slightly improved in the last 4 and a half million years

Nickname: Walia Ibex
FIFA Ranking: 137 (Dec 2021)

In 1992, fossilized skeletal remains of a human ancestor (Ardipithecus ramidus or ‘Arid’) were discovered in north-eastern Ethiopia, and after almost 20 years of study, the analysis dated them back 4.4 million years. Now, you’d think that over 4 million years would be enough time to learn how to kick a god damn soccer ball properly, but despite its head start on the rest of humanity, and some relative success (e.g. winning the 1962 African Cup of Nations), the Ethiopian side still struggles against international opponents, having never even cracked the top 80 in the FIFA rankings. Perhaps the reason the Walia Ibex still suck is that Arid was actually a woman, and any improvement in her soccer skills had no effect on the nation’s men, but the thing is, the Ethiopian women’s team aren’t any better (ranked 123 out of 176 teams). So despite progress being slow, fans are hopeful that the side will successfully qualify for a world cup even once in the next 4 or so million years.

One to watch: The second (third?) coming of Jah

Rastafarianism take its roots in Ethiopia, and in particular from the ascendency to the throne of Haile Selassie in the the 1890s. Their prophecy told: “Look to Africa where a black king shall be crowned, he shall be the Redeemer” and Rastas claimed Emperor Selassie as their spiritual leader, with many believing he was the reincarnation of the lord Himself (Jah). This however is disputed by others and there are those that believe the Jah incernate is still yet to return, so should that be the case, just hang out for a while. Cool? It could be any minute now so just chill. Just a head up though, time is measured differently in Ethiopia–where there are thirteen months a year and it is currently the year 2014–, so who knows, He may even return as early as 2015! JAH!

The Highpoint: Winning the 1962 African Cup of Nations

Ethiopia’s defeat of the United Arab Republic in the 1962 AFCON final was a flash in a 4-and-a-half-million-year-old pan

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

In 1896, Ethiopians repelled and defeated an Italian invasion attempt in the Battle of Adwa, and to this day, it remains the only African nation never colonised. The score now is Ethiopia 1-1 Italy though, after the Italians took the rematch in 1935

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS 2021
Jan 13, 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇪🇹 ETHIOPIA

Jan 17, 2022
BURKINA FASO 🇧🇫 x 🇪🇹 ETHIOPIA