***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Eswatini, who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Yep, THAT Eswatini that lost to Djibouti in 2019
Nickname: Sihlangu Semnikati (King’s Shield)
FIFA Ranking: 66 (Feb 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Eliminated by Djibouti (2-1 agg) in first round of qualifying (CAF)
Eswatini. Yep, Eswatini. The same Eswatini that blew it against Djibouti (Africa’s third lowest ranked team and a team 36 places below it at the time in the FIFA rankings), in the first round of African qualifying. The Eswatini that went away to Djibouti City and conceded two penalties and eventually fell to a shocking 2-1 loss. None other than that very same Eswatini that then came home for the return leg and couldn’t even breech the Djibouti defence once, were held goalless and consequently knocked out of World Cup qualifying on away goals.
But you may be asking yourself, ‘How did it happen’? Well, 3 reasons:
Eswatini is home to the world’s largest population of nesting vultures and any professional athlete will tell you that it’s tough to perform at your peak level when you are required to be in an exposed, unenclosed outdoor area for two hours with the ever looming threat of disembowelment by a flock of satanic shrieking trash birds. Despite dominating the tie and proving themselves to be superior in most areas of the park, the unrelenting fear of murder by avian evisceration may have proved too much for the Eswitanis to handle.
2. Not enough albinoes or epilepsy sufferers sacrificed
The blood of people with albinism or epilepsy is believed to bring good luck in Eswatini, but perhaps the team’s elimination from world cup contention is due to the simple fact that they did not properly prepare by slaughtering the required amount of these two groups of people. Had the team merely crossed their t’s and dotted their i’s and exterminated and dismembered a sufficient number of epilectic or albino heathens as part of traditional witchcraft ceremonies, they might have been getting ready for the second round of African qualifying, not calculating how much cattle their daughter is worth or getting AIDS like the rest of the country.
3. Focused too much on preparing their daughters for Umhlanga
Umhlanga is an annual fertility festival where the king chooses 365 confirmed virgins to live with him and be part of his harem for the following year. Any top class athlete will tell you that if your mind is not focused on the game but instead on either competition for your spot in the team, pressure from the media or a customary annual reed-dancing festival where 25,000 unmarried girls parade themselves for a king already with 17 wives you’re in big trouble.
One to watch: Highlights of Eswatini-Djibouti, World Cup Qualifiers, 10th September 2019 (not all the bad bits)
You’d be best advised to avoid the disgusting highlights of both the first and second legs of Eswatini’s catastrophic tie against Djibouti in qualifying for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. But that doesn’t mean it was a total loss, because as you can see below, there still were a couple highlights for fans of Sihlangu Semnikati:
The Highpoint: Yeah, sure as shit not this
Never mind the epic music or mousification of commentator David something’s voice, the second leg vs Djibouti in 2022 World Cup qualifying was certainly not Eswatini’s finest moment
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
AFCON 2023 QUALIFYING | GROUP STAGE
30 May 2022
TOGO 🇹🇬 x 🇸🇿 ESWATINI
14 June 2022
ESWATINI 🇸🇿 x 🇨🇲 CAMEROON
KENYA 🇰🇪 x 🇸🇿 ESWATINI