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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | EQUATORIAL GUINEA: Can’t be fucked with all the qualifying bullshit

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Equatorial Guinea, semi-finalists at the 2015 African Cup of Nations but yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Equatorial Guinea’s flag features the silk tree that it kicked its soccer ball into, and where the ball remains to this day because it can’t be fucked climbing the tree to get it down

EQUATORIAL GUINEA
Can’t be fucked with all the qualifying bullshit

Nickname: Nzalang Nacional (National Thunder)
FIFA Ranking:
114 (Dec 2021)

The two greatest performances by Equatorial Guinea at international soccer tournaments were when the team didn’t go through the qualification process, by simply qualifying as tournament hosts. The first was in 2012 when they reached the quarter finals of the African Cup of Nations they co-hosted with Gabon, and the second was in the same event 3 years later–this time as sole hosts–when they went one better, beating African heavyweights Tunisia and reaching the semi-finals. Despite the remarkable achievements in those two championships, before the ongoing 2021 event in Cameroon, the team had never even qualified once for the continent’s premier championship. So you can see why the thought of having to qualify for any tournament just pisses off its fans.

Nzalang Nacional doesn’t see the point of fucking around with all the qualifying bullshit, and to that end, it has also never succeeded in progressing to the finals of the World Cup. So owing to its strength in international soccer tournaments held in its backyard, and its ineptitude in those held in any of the world’s other 210 FIFA nations, Equatorial Guinea is just gonna hang out and chill until they are awarded the rights to host a World Cup. And once that happens, opposition teams better watch out for the National Thunder.

This team couldn’t give a shit about qualifying, and while pinning all their hopes on obtaining the rights to host the world’s biggest sporting event may seem like a hail Mary for this east African former Spanish colony, that’s what they said about 2015 AFCON. All that’s needed is another Ebola outbreak, this time one that ravages 210 countries and not just the trio of Sierra Leone, Guinea and Liberia–and not only will the World Cup event be coming to Equatorial Guinea but we might be adding a new name to the list of World Cup winners. Just don’t make them have to qualify, I swear, just don’t fucking make them qualify, because that shit’s just for pussies and is fucking lame. They just can’t be fucked with that shit.

Equatorial Guinea’s players lash out after learning that being forced to qualify for AFCON 2021 was not just a one-off

One to watch: (If the team’s losing) The helicopter above you or the cops currently firing tear gas at you

If Nzalang Nacional happen to be behind late in a game, you better watch your ass. If you’re a fan of the opposition, keep an eye out for projectiles such as bottles and stadium seating. And if you’re a fan of Equatorial Guinea, you’re gonna wanna keep an eye out for slightly bigger things, namely the helicopter circling a few metres above your head or the tear gas or rubber bullets being fired at you currently by police.

The Highpoint: Semi-finalists at AFCON 2015

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

An Equatoguinean couple enjoy a lovely date night at the AFCON 2015 semi-final between Equatorial Guinea and Ghana

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 12, 2022
IVORY COAST 🇨🇮 x 🇬🇶 EQUATORIAL GUINEA

Jan 16, 2022
ALGERIA 🇩🇿 x 🇬🇶 EQUATORIAL GUINEA

Jan 20, 2022
SIERRA LEONE 🇸🇱 x 🇬🇶 EQUATORIAL GUINEA