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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | EGYPT: SCORPIONS SCORPIONS SCORPIONS FUCKING EVERYWHERE

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 11 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances), I’m going to be answering all the burning questions leading up to the tournament. Today, I take a look at Egypt, 3-time qualifiers for the World Cup, and into the final playoff round for Qlamqtar 2022 qualification.

Egypt’s soccer players will get back out there just as soon as the country’s eagle eats all the scorpions that on the pitch

EGYPT
SCORPIONS SCORPIONS SCORPIONS FUCKING EVERYWHERE

The Egyptian team huddle in terror before a recent training session

Nickname: The Pharaohs
FIFA Ranking: 45 (Nov 2021)

The Egyptian national team would love to get out there on the training pitch and work on their skills but why don’t you try fucking playing a game of soccer when there’s fucking scorpions everywhere? Fuck that. Egypt is home to over 30 species of scorpions including the world’s deadliest, the fat-tailed scorpion (whose biological name Androctonus, translates as ‘man-killer’). After heavy rains, these are flushed from their burrows, end up in populated urban areas and inevitably sting large numbers of locals. Without anti-venom, these stings quickly lead to organ failure and then death in about an hour. You can see why chasing around a ball in an outdoor area isn’t at the top of Egypt’s list when the joint’s full of little fucking man-killer cunts just waiting to fucking murder you.

Despite the constant fears of being slayed by scorpions, Egypt have become a force to be reckoned with on the international stage. With superstar Mohammad Salah bamboozling defenses, the Pharaohs returned to the World Cup Finals in Russia in 2018 (after a 28-year hiatus), but after a loss on Matchday 2 to Russia, they were the first team eliminated. The recriminations began immediately as angry fans blamed the Egyptian FA for the team’s disappointing performance, particularly for their decision to base the team in distant Grozny, Chechnya, a location one rarely associates when hearing the term ‘plague-like amounts of scorpions ‘. Unsurprisingly, the FA’s baffling no-scorpions decision to situate the squad in strange scorpion-free surroundings ultimately cost the players dearly, as training without the dangling scorpion sword of Damacles constantly over them confused and unsettled the team, ultimately leading to their early trip home.

One to watch: Whoever’s got the anti-venom

If you’re in Egypt, you’re gonna wanna stay close to this person. Scratch all your plans, because wherever this person is, is where you need to be. But even though you’re going to be staying within arm’s reach of them your whole time in Egypt, doesn’t mean you can’t get a heads up and find out what their plans are for the day. So go ahead and ask-maybe they’re planning to go for a walk at some point, to the mall, or even to get an ice cream. Now, wouldn’t that be nice!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Films made in Egypt make up the lion’s share of Arabic movies worldwide – Here a local man heads out with his friends to catch the latest offering

Upcoming matches

FIFA ARAB CUP QATAR 2021
Dec 11
EGYPT 🇪🇬 x JORDAN

Dec 15
Quarter Final
EGYPT 🇪🇬 X TUNISIA

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 11
NIGERIA 🇳🇬 x 🇪🇬 EGYPT

Jan 15
GUINEA-BISSAU 🇬🇼 x EGYPT

Jan 19
EGYPT 🇪🇬 x 🇸🇩 SUDAN