***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup only about 12 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at look at Curaçao, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Hey Aruba, fuck off. Stop calling us, stop texting, we’re totally over you alright, what don’t you get? And we’re actually doin’ great without you, so just lose our number and have a nice life.
Nickname: La Familia Azul/La Pantera Negra/La Pantera Azul
FIFA Ranking: 76 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify
In 1954, Curaçao and Aruba were together as part of the Netherlands Antilles (a country under the control of the Kingdom of The Netherlands). And things were going relatively great (well good not great, I mean, things weren’t perfect but which couple is?) until in 1977, when Aruba finally got sick of all the fighting and decided it needed its space, going out on its own and eventually leaving Curaçao stuck alone with the Netherlands Antilles, which was ultimately dissolved in 2010. The joke’s on Aruba now though, because Curaçao is not only ranked no less than 120 places higher than its former fuck buddy, but it’s also now a far more relatively formidable force in international soccer, even almost progressing to the final stage of 2022 World Cup Qualifying (losing to Cuba 2-1 in a playoff). And despite Curaçao denying that it and Aruba were ever actually a thing, Aruban soccer fans maintain an unhealthy romantic nostalgia for something that they never actually even were together, and would love for Curaçao to give them just one more shot, if not for their economy, infrastructure or culture, then at least do it for the soccer.
One to watch: The local baseball coach
Curaçao has produced more MLB players per capita than any other country. That’s why if you see this guy sniffing around the training ground of the national soccer team, alert the authorities. He’d love nothing more than to get his leather mitts on all the soccer players who show any talent and then brainwash them into switching codes and then get them a multi-million contract with a AL or NL team. The local police force should be notified immediately if this tobacco-chewing, base-stealing, trashcan slammer is seen even talking to anyone without a bat, ball or glove in their hands.
The highpoint: Falling short of advancing to the Octagonal final round of CONCACAF qualifying for 2022
Putting its baseball mitts and bats down for just long enough, La Familia Azul managed to get out of its group in the first round of qualifying for Qlamqtar 2022, and then in the playoff it only just missed out on a place in the final octagonal round, going down 2-1 on aggregate to non-baseball playing Panama. Oh well, back to the diamond!