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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | COSTA RICA: The greatest team in the whole wide region

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Costa Rica, which has qualified for the World Cup five times, in 1990, 2002, 2006, 2014 and 2018.

Don’t let its lameness fool you, this is the best flag in all of Central America

COSTA RICA
The greatest team in the whole wide region

Nickname: Los Ticos
FIFA Ranking: 31 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Inter-confederation playoff vs New Zealand, 14 June 2022

When I say Costa Rica are the best ever team in the whole wide region I mean it! In the whole wide Central America Football Union (UNCAF)! I am not kidding. You can rub your eyes all you want, it’s not going to scrub the indelible image of Costa Rica reigning upon all other rivals across its vast minor swathe of the globe that contains a little over a handful of average-at-best football nations!

Now, let me reiterate, in case your brain has melted or you think it’s playing tricks on you. Costa Rica rule the sprawling lands of a tiny almost insignificant section of the smallest part between two actual continents. I mean it. I mean Best as in B-E-S-T. Better than Nicaragua? yep! Better than El Salvador? You betcha! Even better than Panama, Guatemala, Honduras and even Belize. Yep, you heard me correctly–Belize!

Costa Rica is better than these two teams!

Sitting on the throne of the almighty UNCAF is not the only great scalps it can hold aloft in triumph. The Ticos were also better than Scotland and Sweden at the 1990 World Cup, China at the 2002 World Cup, and Italy, Uruguay and Greece at the 2014 World Cup. But while this superiority is nothing to be scoffed at, it pales in significance with their position atop the heap in Central America.

Costa Rica is even better than this team (obviously Guatemala)

So go forth and tell all, let none steer you down paths of folly, rumour, or hearsay, for it is Costa Rica, yes that’s right, Costa Rica who stand on the shoulders of typically quite short and poorly skilled giants!

One to watch: Paulo Wanchope

Starting striker Paulo Wanchope chills out and lets his 10 teammates do the heavy lifting during his team’s opening match at the 2006 World Cup–moments later he scored twice

In the opening game of the 2006 World Cup, Paulo Wanchope came from nowhere to put two goals past the hosts. His team ultimately lost the match 4-2, but for a lanky 8 foot 12 striker who regularly went missing on the field, seemed like he couldn’t give a fuck, spent half his career injured but still ended up becoming the country’s all-time record goalscorer (his title’s now been usurped by Rolando Fonseca), Wanchope had the remarkable knack to come from nowhere and stun defences with his physicality, mercurial ability, soccer IQ and laser-sharp finishing. So although homeboy’s been retired for 15 years now, should Costa Rica defeat New Zealand in the Inter-Confederation playoff and qualify for the 2022 World Cup, don’t be surprised if Wanchope just pops out of the blue and suddenly appears on the field for the Ticos, manages to gain possession, hold off 8 opponents simultaneously as he could do, and then slams a couple in the back of the old onion bag in Qatar.

The Highpoint: Quarter-Finals, 2014 World Cup

Defeating World Cup champion of only 8 years prior in Italy, the third-place winner from 4 years prior in Uruguay as well as the European Champions of 10 years prior (Greece), Costa Rica were one of the standouts of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. Reaching the quarter-finals, it’s just a shame they couldn’t get over boring ass Netherlands, who had only advanced from the round of 16 thanks to Arjen Robben’s cunty dive vs Mexico and then played for 2 consecutive penalty shootouts (ultimately losing to Argentina in the semis). Sure, Costa Rica ain’t the sexiest option, but hey, Netherlands at the 2014 World Cup were about as sexy as a snail slaying the ass of a rotten leaf.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Who know what the hell the locals are on about when they speak their Central America dialect of Spanish, but who cares. They’re SO GODDAM ADORABLE

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | INTER-CONFEDERATION PLAYOFF
14 June 2022
COSTA RICA 🇨🇷 x 🇳🇿 NEW ZEALAND