***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
With the Qlamqtar 2022 world cup only about 14 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances), I’m going to be answering all the burning questions leading up to the tournament. Today, I take a look at Taiwan, still gunning for their first ever World Cup appearance.
Proving Taiwan doesn’t exist
Nickname: Whatever you want, just as long as you don’t call it Taiwan
FIFA Ranking: 151 (Sep 2021)
The National soccer team of make-believe place Chinese Taipei is entirely made up, just like the nation of Taiwan, and therefore has never made a FIFA World Cup as ghost countries are not eligible for qualification (or for United Nations membership for that matter). Chinese Taipei has nothing to do with Taiwan and in fact this ‘Taiwan’ that people talk about-much like Chinese Taipei–isn’t even a thing. It doesn’t exist and never has and never will. Do stay tuned though, because it’s only a matter of time until a phantom land that folklore used to refer to as ‘Taiwan’ is spotted on a map labelled as ‘China’.
One to watch: Open-Chan
Religion plays a significant role in Taiwanese culture, and the majority of people worship 7-11, praying to the God Open-Chan (above right). Worshippers can be found day and night at convenient locations on every corner and followers pray for Open-Chan to watch over their families when they do their late night grocery shopping, steer them clear of mixing whites and colours when doing their laundry and watch over them as they pay their university tuition at the counter.