***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Chad, yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Nickname: Les Sao
FIFA Ranking: 180 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Eliminated by Sudan (3-1 agg) in First Round of Qualifying (CAF)
Ugh, Chad is such a douche. SUCH a douchebag. And even if you’ve never had anything to do with Chad, you can just tell Chad’s such a douche.
Chad used to be decent but’s now Chad’s fallen to 180 in the FIFA World Rankings. DOUCHE. Chad’s only ever claim to fame is a triumph in an international football tournament known as the Economic and Monetary Community of Central Africa Cup. DOUCHE. And after winning it in 2014, the tournament was then shut down. DOUCHE. And in 2021, Chad’s ministry of sport just couldn’t mind its own fucking business and decided to dissolve Chad’s football federation, resulting in expulsion from AFCON 2021 qualifying and a subsequent suspension by FIFA, which also lead to the halting of development projects and withdrawal of financial support from world football’s governing body. GOD, Chad’s such a douche.
Away from the field, Chad’s people would love to have access to even a tiny patch of sea to take a dip in or perhaps use for maritime trade, but even though Chad is Africa’s fifth largest country, Chad is still completely landlocked. DOUCHE. Chad’s also the closest destination to Europe where you can see the big 5–the rhino, lion, leopard, elephant and buffalo–but wait, hold your Chad regional variant Dongola horses because the UK lists Chad as one of 17 countries deemed entirely unsafe to visit. DOUCHE. And when it comes to dating, God, don’t get me started on what a douche Chad is, because every September, Chad has a week-long courtship ceremony where Chad’s men put on make-up, dress up lavishly, and hold an extravagent beauty pageant in order to try to impress and gain the approval of the local single women. DOUCHE.
One to watch: The US State Department’s Chad Travel Advisory Warning
Sure, The US Department of State current advice is to ‘reconsider travel’ to Chad due to terrorism, crime, civil unrest, kidnapping and unxeploded landmines, but stay tuned, because you never know, that could change at any moment! Who knows, if things go well, maybe the Department’s warning will be downgraded from “Level 3: Reconsider Travel” to “Level 2: Excercise Increased Caution”, so keep an eye out! Fingers crossed!
NOTE: It could just as likely be upgraded to “Level 4: Do Not Travel” too though.
The Highpoint: 2014 CEMAC Cup Winners
In 2014, Chad claimed their first and only international trophy, the CEMAC Cup–the tournament for central African nations. However, with Chad being one of the world’s 45 landlocked nations and most Chadians never even having seen what water actually looks like, Les Sao just had to go and be douches about it and spray a bunch of precious H2O dickishly all over the place amidst their celebratations. Douches.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
None. None at all. DOUCHE.