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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | CANADA: Sorry about the last 36 years, so sorry

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 8 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Canada, which has qualified for the World Cup once, in 1986.

There’s a soccer field buried underneath the white square of the Canadian flag that’s playable a couple months of the year (if you’re lucky)

CANADA
Sorry about the last 36 years, so sorry

Nickname: The Canucks
FIFA Ranking: 33 (Feb 2022)

Straight off the bat, Canada would like to say it’s sorry about everything since making their last (and only) World Cup in 1986. It’s been a barren and frankly wretched time since then, and for that they apologize. There’s no excuse for what they’ve done (or haven’t done) in the last 36 years, and they can’t begin to tell you how sorry they are about that.

Although the Canucks did manage to progress to the finals of the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, putting it in the best 24 teams in the world at the time, look, Canada are so sorry it didn’t qualify better, faster or with more of a smile on its face, because it totally could have.

Canada is not only real sorry about the 1986 World Cup, but also all the failed World Cup campaigns before and after too, as well being super sorry about the failed Gold Cup campaigns (plus the 2 successful ones), and even the failed trips to the Pan American Games and newly-founded CONCACAF Nations League. That’s totally their bad.

And while Canada knows that there’s 132 FIFA member nations who haven’t even qualified for a single World Cup, making the Canucks part of a relatively illustrious group of 79 that have, they’re still sorry. So sorry. That’s on them, and they own it. Sorry.

This time round, with only three games remaining, Canada sit on top of its World Cup qualifying group (Even beating the United States recently, but only 2-0–they’re sorry it wasn’t more) and are on the verge of punching their tickets to a World Cup for only the second time, but you know what, they’re so sorry.

Now Canada just need one more point to book their ticket to Qatar, but nevertheless, they’re so sorry it’s not guaranteed yet. And if they do get that point and qualify, well, they’re already sorry about their performance in Qatar later this year.

One to watch: The own goal by the Haiti goalkeeper vs Canada, 1st round of 2022 World Cup qualifying

If you thought it’s toughness, resilience, determination, experience, and sheer skill that has seen Canada progress from Round 1 of CONCACAF qualifying into round two and now to the brink of sealing a place at Qlamqtar 2022, you’d be wrong. It’s thanks to abominations like this by its opposition. For Canada to make an impact in November/December 2022, they’re going to need many more performances like this one by Haitian goalkeeper Josue Deverger against Canada in 2021.

The Highpoint: 1986 stage

Canada’s official team song, (O Canada) We’ll Proudly Play for You for the 1986 World Cup was the highlight of Canada’s performance at the tournament, after they lost all three group matches–to Hungary, USSR and France–and went home without scoring a goal. But there was this kickass bluegrass anthem that came out of it and that makes it all worth it:

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A badass hobbit with a monster heart from New Zealand joins in the celebrations during Canada’s 2-0 away defeat of Honduras

Upcoming matches

World Cup Qualifying | CONCACAF
25 March 2022
COSTA RICA 🇨🇷 x 🇨🇦 CANADA

27 March 2022
CANADA 🇨🇦 x 🇯🇲 JAMAICA

31 March 2022
PANAMA 🇵🇦 x 🇨🇦 CANADA