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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | BURKINA FASO: hahahahah CLASSIC

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 10 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Burkina Faso, who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.

The number of stars on Burkina Faso’s flag represent how many World Cup Finals the team has participated in JK LOL


BURKINA FASO
hahahah CLASSIC

The Burkina Faso players react to another heartbreaking loss

Nickname: The Stallions
FIFA Ranking: 60 (Dec 2021)

The people of Burkina Faso are known for the self-deprecating humour and their propensity to use jokes to bridge tribal or cultural divides, make light of distressing situations or de-dramatize traumatic events such as death of loved ones, after which it’s not unusual for families to accuse each other of being murderers or kinslayers, or to decorate the coffins of the deceased with a good old fashioned gag. For instance, mourners of a deceased member of the Bissa tribe might see a member of the Gurunsi tribe dumping a bag of peanuts on the casket as a slight against the diet of their people. This would go down a treat at funeral in Burkina Faso and it’s just as well the Burkinabé take this approach towards trauma considering the amount of it the national team has been through over the last 10 years. Time after time throughout the ast decade, the national team has succumbed to an opponent by the barest of margins, so, honestly, if you’re a supporter of the Stallions, at this point there’s only one thing you can do:

Fans of the Stallions have suffered that many heart shattering eliminations that frankly they’re running out of jokes now. After suffering a spate of heart shattering losses–by a solitary goal to Nigeria in the final of AFCON 2013, to Algeria (on away goals) in a playoff for a place at the 2014 World Cup Brazil, on penalties to Egypt in the semi-finals of AFCON 2017, and again to Algeria by one goal in the second round of qualifying for the 2022 World Cup–comedic material in Burkina Faso is running so dry that they’re resorted to jokes like this, this or the following:

Eleven Burkina Faso players walk into a bar and order a round. The bartender gives them their drinks and takes their cash (22,001 Central African CFA Francs). As they start to walk away the bartender, after counting the coins, stops them and says, ‘Guys, sorry, this isn’t enough. You’re one short. So GET OUT’ The 11 Burkinabé players look at each other and simultaneously say, ‘Oh dear. Kicked out after falling one short AGAIN.’

Typically, Burkinabé are a jovial, sardonic people who love their soccer, and at press time, the Stallions are just 2 days away from either another celebration or a celebration as they take the field against hosts Cameroon in the semi-final of AFCON 2021. While reaching the final four in the continent’s premier tournament for a third time is just another recent remarkable achievement for arguably Africa’s most improved national side, should they once again fall one short of success on Wednesday, the Burkinabé will be the first to tell you that…

One to watch: The clock

If Burkina Faso manage to advance to the final playoff round for qualification to the 2026 World Cup, you’re gonna wanna keep a close eye on the game clock, as it seems that whenever Burkina Faso are involved, the universally accepted norms of mathematics and timekeeping don’t exist.

In the final playoff round of CAF qualification for the 2014 World Cup, Burkina Faso trailed Algeria by a single goal, meaning that, as it stood, the Desert Foxes would be advancing to the world’s biggest sporting event in Brazil the following year. Late in the game, the Stallions were down but not out, and continued to pepper the Algeria goal in desperate search for the goal that would qualify them ahead of their North African opponents. In the 90th minute, with the aggregate score still at 3-3 (with Algeria advancing on away goals), the fourth official indicated that there would be four additional minutes of injury time to play. Approaching full-time, yet still in the 91st minute leaving 3 more to play, the Burkina Faso launched another attempt on the Algerian net, which fizzled out and resulting in the Algerian goalkeeper Mohamed Zammamouche collecting the loose ball, before taking his time with the ball and then punting it as far as he could up the field, hoping to waste as much time of the 3 remaining minutes as possible. But here’s the rub, it wasn’t necessary. One minute (out of the allotted 4) into injury time, the referee blew for full-time, crushing Burkina Faso’s hopes and sending Algeria to Brazil as one of Africa’s 5 representatives.

So should Burkina Faso have another crack at World Cup qualification in the playoffs for 2026, keep a close eye on the game clock but beware that whatever time’s remaining (if the Stallions are behind) doesn’t conform to yours or anyone else’s understanding of mathematics and nothing more than just a loose suggestion.

The Highpoint: AFCON 2013 Finalists

Burkina Faso went all the way to the final at AFCON 2013 before losing the final 1-0 to Nigeria at South Africa’s Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Fans of the Stallions crack up after watching their team lose another crucial match in excruciating fashion

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Feb 2, 2022
Semi-Final
BURKINA FASO 🇧🇫 x 🇸🇳 SENEGAL