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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | BOTSWANA: Someone get these goddamn elephants out of the way, Botswana’s tryin’ to play soccer here

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Botswana, who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.

One of world’s 45 landlocked countries, the blue in Botswana’s flag represents the sea it wish it had access to, and the black and white depicts an elephant’s eyeball up super close, a sight its country’s soccer players constantly see whichever way they turn

BOTSWANA
Someone get these goddamn elephants out of the way, Botswana’s tryin’ to play soccer here

Botswana struggle particularly in home matches, where putting the ball in the back of net comes with additional obstacles

Nickname: The Zebras
FIFA Ranking: 148 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Eliminated by Malawi (1-0 agg) in first round (CAF)

There are more elephants in Botswana than other country on earth, which is great news for animals lovers and wildlife conservationists, but terrible news for players of the Botswana national team. Sure, there’s nothing better than seeing the majestic elephant in abundance and thriving in its natural habitat, but if you’re trying to practice your free kicks, corners or tactical passing drills, it’s a goddamn freaking nightmare. It’s hard enough to simulate match conditions and become a coherent team unit in normal circumstances, let alone when the pitch is full of goddamn elephants everywhere.

Have you ever tried working on your team’s setplays while a herd of huge gray lunatics insanely stampedes directly through your training session? Or ever tried practicing your free kicks with the goal being obstructed by a whole pack of immovable 6-tonne mammals? Or ever had your coach’s orders completely drowned out by the earsplitting trumpeting of a band of enormous African mammoths? With over 130,000 elephants within its borders, sadly this is Botswana’s national football team’s reality, and these obstacles have lead to the Zebras falling from an all-time high in the FIFA rankings of #53 back in 2010 all the way down to their present predicament, in 148th position. Good one, elephants, thanks a lot.

The effects of the nation’s elephant population’s out-of-control browsing of vegetation and their purported impact on the spread of wildfires have sparked outcries among Batswana, with some even calling for a mass cull of the animals. For Botswana’s national football team though, such an initiative would be welcomed with open arms, so maybe they could finally get some training in without so many goddamn elephants in the way.

Even in training, the Zebras have to share the field with the locals

One to watch: Miscellaneous FC

Formed in 1962, Miscellaneous FC have had a <VARIED> history. The club’s last 50 years, in particular, have been especially <SUNDRY> and <BRIC A BRAC>, marked by the club’s <DIVERSE> and <MIXED> absence from Botswana’s Elite League. <CONFUSED> and <MOTLEY> fans of the club are hoping less <VARIEGATED> and <DISPERATE> days are ahead and the club aims to put their <MULTIFARIOUS> and <FARRAGINOUS> days behind them and make a <PATCHWORK> return to the country’s top competition.

The Highpoint: 2-time COSAFA Cup runners-up

Twice in its history, Botswana have been runners-up in the COSAFA Cup, the tournament for teams from Southern Africa. The Zebras lost to South Africa in the 2016’s final in Namibia and to Zambia in 2019’s final in South Africa, demonstrating what the team’s capable of when they get the opportunity to play in non-elephant infested locations, where you can actually string a couple consecutive passes together, without a shitton of elephants getting in the goddamn way.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

With one of the highest concentrations of ancient rock art in the world, Botswana’s “Louvre of the Desert” is another great place to be smug and unimpressed by art

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS 2023 | GROUP STAGE
TBC