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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | BANGLADESH: Desperately in need of a decent knock

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Bangladesh, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Soccer never even stood a chance in Bangladesh–there’s even a goddam cricket ball on the flag

BANGLADESH
Desperately in need of a decent knock

Nickname: Bengal Tigers
FIFA Ranking: 188 (Mar 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing bottom of Group E, behind Qatar, Oman, India and Afghanistan

Throughout all their world cup qualifiers over the years, more often than not Bangladesh have been bowled out for low totals. However, there have some a few encouraging spells throughout their innings, most notably in the 90s-early 2000s, which were dotted with regular strong outings against Asian giants Iran (the Indian cricket team of Asian soccer), China (the Sri Lanka cricket team of Asian soccer ) and India (the Bangladesh Cricket Team of Asian soccer). They’ve bashed Thailand all over the park, beaten their bitter rivals India and their first ever win came when they carted Indonesia out the ground with 2 agricultural tonks (no surprises there). The run drought of the last 20 years is worrying though, and if they’re to turn around their batting form they’re going to need some solid knocks like the one against India in World Cup 2022 qualifying, where the matched ended in a draw, with both teams claiming a wicket each.

Reaching a decent knock of 110 in the FIFA World Rankings back in 1996, Bangladesh now find themselves mired in a hopeless slump, propping up the tail end, at 188th in the ranking order. Despite the country’s fervent love and preference for cricket, the Bengal Tigers have had moments of genius, managing to qualify for the Asian Cup once and even bringing home the urn from a couple South Asian international tournaments. That’s all ancient history now though, and the lads are now brutally out of form, sending nothing but pies down the wicket and getting clean bowled, middle stump, every time they step out onto the wicket.

Most recently, the team failed to progress to the newly expanded 2023 Asian Cup, getting smashed for 4 by Malaysia, giving up a quick single to Turkemistan and losing two wickets to Bahrain. With the team now languishing just 23 places off rock bottom in the FIFA World Rankings, now more than ever, the Bengal Tigers are in dire need of a decent knock.

Bangladesh recently fell short in their attempt to qualify for the expanded 2023 Asian Cup, despite their best efforts in the gym, pool and ice bath during qualifying

One to watch: The Bengali tiger

A Bengali worshipper outside a downtown Dhaka mosque chooses an inopportune moment to remove his shoes

This bad boy is actually the most populous species of tiger remaining, with around 2500 estimated still living in the wild. With abundance like that, don’t be surprised if you’re downtown in Dhaka grabbing some Haleem (Mixed lentil soup and meat) with your buddies, chowing down some Roshogolla (Traditional Syrupy Sweet) at the local kabaddi match or just strolling down to the mosque for salah and you see one of these orange angry beasts just wandering past.

Bengal tigers are so abundant that by now, Bengalis are used to them turning up wherever

The Highpoint: Champions, 2003 SAFF Championship

You probably thought Bangladesh weren’t good enough to win the SAFF Championship, the premier regional prize for the seven teams competing as part of the South Asian Football Federation. Didn’t ya? I know what you thought, you thought that the Bengal Tigers were just too shit to overcome Bhutan, Maldives, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Nepal and even India. You just couldn’t see past the cunty part of your brain and just totally convinced yourself that hell would freeze over before Bangladesh won the tournament perviously known as South Asian Association of Regional Co-operation Gold Cup and South Asian Football Federation Gold Cup. You Prick.

And well, look at you now. How wrong you were, because in the 2003 edition, held on their home soil, Bangladesh topped Nepal, Maldives and Bhutan in the group stage, knocked out arch nemesis India with an extra-time golden goal in the semi-final, and then went on to beat Maldives again in the final (this time on penalties). The result gave them their first ever SAFF Championship and second all-time international trophy. So, now who’s got Dimer Dalma (Bengali egg curry) on their face?? Hmm?

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Of the world’s larger countries, Bangladesh is the most densely populated country per square kilometre in the world, making it difficult for the national soccer team to conduct training sessions

Bengalis are known for being welcoming of other cultures–as witnessed above in a Melbourne bar in 2006

Upcoming matches

Bangladesh’s tour of the West Indies 2022
2nd Test, June 24-28th 2022
WEST INDIES 🏝 x 🇧🇩 BANGLADESH

Soccer: none