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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | AZERBAIJAN: The Land of Dumpster Fire

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS IN MY STREET ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 9 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Azerbaijan, who are yet to qualify for a World Cup, but won the 1966 World Cup in England (sort of).

We all know that ‘Blue and green shouldn’t be seen’, and neither should the Azerbaijani national soccer team

AZERBAIJAN
The Land of Dumpster Fire

Nickname: Milli Komanda (The National Team)
FIFA Ranking: 121 (Feb 2022)

Barely producing any noteworthy soccer talent since day dot, and with its most exalted soccer personality being a referee, Azerbaijan is a total dumpster fire.

While it’s widely believed that it was first mistakenly lit by a local shepard’s discarded match in the 1950s, the dumpster fire that is the Azerbaijan national team actually started smoldering roughly 40 years earlier, in 1912 when the country played its first “international” match against Georgia, while still a part of the Russian Empire. The Azerbaijan dumpster fire then remained alight, billowing smoke yet with no flames for decades, producing little little other than Alakbar Mammadov, the only player to score four goals against AC Milan at the San Siro and Anatoliy Banishevskiy, who represented the Soviet Union at the 1966 World Cup and regarded as the country’s best ever player. These two offer scant consolation for the Azerbaijan dumpster fire however, particularly as they never represented Azerbaijan at any FIFA-sanctioned event.

The Azerbaijan dumpster fire hasn’t produced any talent of note and its major claims to fame are defeating (and finishing above) Northern Ireland in qualifying for the 2014 World Cup and being home of Tofiq Bahramov, the Azerbaijani referee who awarded Geoff Hurst’s controversial extra-time World Cup final goal as linesman at Wembley in 1966. Azerbaijan, adding further fuel and just random shit to the dumpster fire that it already is, became the first nation to name a stadium after a referee, when it honoured Bahramov by renaming its then-national stadium in Baku the Tofiq Bahramov Republican Stadium.

And therein lies the beauty of the Azerbaijan national dumpster fire–though it’s an absolute disaster and tough to watch, it continues to burn and just refuses to be put out.

One to watch: Yanar Dağ

If you’re a fan of overhyped and underwhelming natural phenomena, well HOT FLAMING DOG are you sure gonna love the continuously blazing natural gas fire burning along a sad-looking hillside just outside Baku! Legend has it that it was first lit accidentally by a shepherd after descarding a still-lit matchstick, which may attach some charm or spark some interest in this crappy, clumpy non-ferno. But don’t expect too much, as at the end of the day, it’s just a pile of rubble that is on fire (ish).

The Highpoint: Tofiq Bahramov’s refereeing

Azerbaijan’s greatest ever football icon is this guy, and it’s not thanks to the goals he scored or even one goal he ever scored, but for one he awarded, as a linesman in the 1966 World Cup final. So yeah, I don’t really know where to go with that. Nice one, Azerbaijan soccer. I mean, I guess. Good work? No idea.

In the face of immediate protest and uproar from the West Germans, Bahramov remains steadfast in his claim that he wants to become an instant superstar

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

This Karabakh horse doesn’t mind partaking in the traditional Azerbaijani sport of Chovqan, but isn’t a fan of the local traditional folk music that is played throughout games

Upcoming matches

UEFA NATIONS LEAGUE 2022/23 | GROUP C3
3 June 2022
KAZAKHSTAN 🇰🇿 /MOLDOVA 🇲🇩 x 🇦🇿 AZERBAIJAN

6 June 2022
BELARUS 🇧🇾 x 🇦🇿 AZERBAIJAN

10 June 2022
AZERBAIJAN 🇦🇿 x 🇸🇰 SLOVAKIA

13 June 2022
AZERBAIJAN 🇦🇿 x 🇧🇾 BELARUS

22 June 2022
SLOVAKIA 🇸🇰 x 🇦🇿 AZERBAIJAN

25 June 2022
AZERBAIJAN 🇦🇿 x 🇰🇿 KAZAKHSTAN/ 🇲🇩 MOLDOVA