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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | VIETNAM: Rambo was wrong (again)

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 periods away (depending on your own set of menstrual circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Vietnam, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

The red background of Vietnam’s flag signifies the bloodshed of its pre-2022 World Cup qualifying attempts, while the star signifies its greatest milestone to date (advancing to the final round of World Cup 2022 Qualifying), with each point symbolising a defeat of a shitty east Asian foe

VIETNAM
Rambo was wrong (again)

Nickname: Rồng vàng (Golden Dragons)
FIFA Ranking: 96 (June 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from third round (AFC) group stage, finishing bottom of group, behind Saudi Arabia, Japan, Australia, Oman and China

Wrong about Afghanistan in Rambo III, Rambo’s also screwed the pooch in Rambo First Blood: Part II, rejecting his Colonel’s idea that the old Vietnam is dead. But it is dead. The shitty Vietnam of yesteryear is but a memory now, despite what Rambo might think.

Rambo was right about Murdoch being a double-crossing cunt, but he was wrong about the the old Vietnam being dead

Known for his ability to get the job done no matter what, Rambo’s also become known for some embarrassing gaffs in his time too. But don’t listen to him, because the Vietnam of old is truly gone. Gone are the days of match fixing, the coaching merry-go-round of 13 coaches in 14 years and an seemingly eternal inferiority and submission to its regional neighbours. Those days are long gone, what’s more, Vietnam has in fact proved their might over their Asian rivals on the greatest stage possible, not only recently but also on the greatest stage there is –the World Cup.

Being placed alongside Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam and one other team in Group G of second round World Cup qualifying (the ‘G’ stood for ‘Goddam it, we put all the south east Asian countries together, plus one other team, whoops’), the Golden Dragons ultimately came out on top of the pile of Mekong River mud, finishing second only to One Other Team.

Rambo was right about cutting his photography equipment loose from the aircraft after getting hung up on insertion into the Vietnamese jungle, but he was way off when he thought that this current Vietnam is the same as the old sucky Vietnam national team

Suffering either from ignorance or a clinical brain haemorrhage as a result of blunt trauma in Rambo: First Blood part one, Rambo couldn’t have been more wrong on this one. The Vietnam of old is not still alive (even if Rambo is). Far from it. Those duds are long gone, and there’s a new team in town. Unlike any team in its past, this Vietnam is one that has become the strongest team in all of South East Asia, and just advanced to the final round of World Cup qualifying for the first time in its history, falling just one step short of qualifying for the 2022 Qlamqtar World Cup. Good one Rambo, you did it again.

Rambo was right to defy orders and engage the enemy in the POW camp in Rambo: First Blood Part II but he was wrong when he thought this Vietnam is the same as the old Vietnam who could only dream of being the benchmark of South East Asian football

One to watch: The Coach Terminator

This cat is not worthy of being compared to Coach Park, even in meme form

Any coach facing the Vietnam national team Park Hang-seo better have another job lined up. Thailand’s Sirisak Yodyadthai, UAE’s Bert Van Marwijk, Indonesia’s Indra Sjafri and even his mentor from the 2002 World Cup with South Korea Guus Hiddink all were terminated following a loss to Park’s Vietnam side.

Coach Park terminates any hopes actual teachers had for celebrating annual teacher’s day, with yet another thing becoming just about him

An underwhelmingly lame and universally canned appointment to begin with, coach Park–who’s Korean–has revolutionised the Golden Dragons, taking the under-23s to the final of the AFC Championship, winning one AFF Championship, and most recently, the furthest they’ve ever been in World Cup qualifying.

Coach Park terminates his players’ idea that wearing the Vietnamese national team mask upside down is okay (and then upon realising it was actually being worn the right way up, terminates his own order and reigns down an apology)

Having being made an honorary citizen by the Vietnamese government thanks to the success he’s brought the national team, he’s also responsible for the Vietnamese government implementing more favourable VISA regulations for Koreans and has gone from being the most attacked coaching hire in Vietnamese national team history in 2017 (due to his apparent shitty role call of shitty teams previously coached), to today being more loved by Vietnamese than singer who first rose to fame on TV talent show Your Face Sounds Familiar [sic] Khoi My, actor and comedian who in 2015 started dating singer Hari Won MC Tran Thanh, and performing artist whose composed soundtrack for the movie Chang Trai Nam Ay (Dandelion), was delayed due to allegations that the soundtrack was too similar to Korean singer Jung Yong Hwa’s Because I Miss You Son Tung M-TP!

Translation: (“I can’t turn summer into winter, but I can turn today into a storm for the other idiot coach”)

The Highpoint: Failing to maintain the status quo of South East Asian nations and actually succeeding, World Cup 2022 Qualifying

No, I didn’t photoshop this–that’s a south east Asian country actually competing (and almost defeating) Japan

Failing to live up to the expectations of fans, pundits and the broader soccer public, Vietnam failed in their attempt to be eliminated before the business end of qualifying for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. There’s only ever been one south east Asian nation (and that was Indonesia’s bullshit qualification and shitty one match effort in 1934) out of the 13 nation contingent to ever qualify for the World Cup. And this low bar has remained a bar way too high for the remaining 12 ASEAN countries (Brunei, Cambodia, Laos, Malaysia, Myanmar, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand, and Vietnam), that is until Vietnam– JUST RELAX, VIETNAM DID NOT QUALIFY FOR THE QLAMQTAR WORLD CUP, JUST TAKE IT EASY–came closer than any of its predecessors, advancing from its first round group (fittingly almost entirely made up of south east countries) to the final stage.

With performances like its defeat of UAE or all its shitty south east Asian neighbours, you can expect to be singing ‘Sha, la, la, là, la, la, We are Vietnam, Sha, la, la, là, la, la, Chúng ta là một!’ with much greater frequency over the coming years, so prepare yourself, prepare yourself to sing it more.

Ultimately it finished bottom of its group and fell well short of a World Cup spot (or even the playoffs), but fuck me, they took the lead after just 3 minutes in their third round opener against Saudi Arabia, managed to get a draw from their away fixture against Asian giant Japan, defeated China in Hanoi and aside from a 4-0 battering in Australia, were competitive in all other games, dropping to losses by either a solitary goal or 2. Wow, the days of singing ‘Việt Nam ơi cùng nhau Việt Nam ơi hãy nhớ Việt Nam không chùn bước Luôn quyết thắng chông gai Việt Nam ơi cùng nhau Việt Nam ơi hãy nhớ Trong chiến thắng vinh quang Khó khăn luôn chờ!’ (Together Vietnam Remember Vietnam We cry and we fight Together we try Together Vietnam Remember Vietnam Hardship after storm Glory will come!), which is typically sung when Vietnam is losing to a stronger opponent may be numbered!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Vietnamese people can’t express things that are plural, so although officially 45 million people out of its 90 million population own a motorbike, locals will tell you that that figure’s actually 1 out of its 1 population

Upcoming matches

AFC ASIAN CUP 2023
TBD