***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is under a single moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Uruguay, which has qualified for the World Cup fourteen times, winning it twice.
Nickname: La Celeste
FIFA Ranking: 14 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified, third in South America zone (CONMEBOL)
Despite representing the second smallest nation in South America that’s home to under 4 million inhabitants, Uruguay has incredibly won the World Cup not just once, but twice. What’s more, in its thirteen trips to the tournament, it’s also finished fourth four times and has reached the second round on all but three occasions. Meanwhile, it’s also won the gold at two Olympic Games (recognized by FIFA as senior World Championships) and has won the Copa America an astonishing 15 times. What a bunch of assholes.
In terms of success per capita, Uruguay is undisputedly the world’s greatest ever football team. Only eight nations have lifted the World Cup, yet all seven other nations have immensely greater talent pools to choose from compared to Uruguay’s meagre population is made up of 3.5 million people–Argentina is the next smallest World Cup winning nation, with a population of 45 million–making Uruguay, by quite some distance, the smallest, greatest assholes in World Cup history. Croatia, at 3.9 million, would have challenged Uruguay for its title, but despite a mighty effort, they still couldn’t get over the French in the final, thereby failing to even challenge Uruguay’s undisputed claim to being the best ever tiny assholes.
Furthermore, Uruguay is not only one of the smallest nations to reach the World Cup (population-wise, only Trinidad and Tobago, Northern Ireland and Iceland are smaller), but they are by far the smallest country to win the whole thing. And twice. Fucking assholes. How the fuck did that happen.
Critics might have suggested that despite the team winning football’s greatest prize twice, it all came a long time ago, in a completely differet, less competitive era. Yet the last 20 years has seen a resurgence in the team’s fortunes, most notably at the 2010 World Cup when La Celeste beat France, the hosts South Africa, South Korea and Ghana on penalties (CUNT) before falling just short of a third appearance in a final when they were bounced by a decisive mindblowing long-distance strike by Giovanni van Bronkhorst in the semi-final, resulting in a 3-2 win for the Dutch. Uruguay, a country where cows outnumber people, once again are back at the top paddock of international football. Fucking assholes.
What the fuck, seriously? Here you’ve got most of the 210 other nations busting their asses to even qualify for the World Cup, and here’s Uruguay, with barely enough people to fill a clown car, winning the World Cup twice, and reaching semi-finals time and again like it’s no big deal. What a bunch of pricks.
But it hasn’t all been roses and mate though. Things didn’t go too well here against a team busting its ass to qualify for the World Cup for the first time in 32 years though, did they Uruguay? huh? Yeah. Assholes.
One to watch: A rebirth of the Tupamaros (the good kind of Tupamaros)
Wouldn’t it be great if the Tupamaros, the Robin Hood Guerrillas, were rebooted? Not so much the messed up, executing-CIA-torture-specialist Tupamaros, but the kind that held up parties of the elite and redistributed the food to the poor, the type that robbed casinos but made sure not to steal the tips of the workers, the ones that held up nightclubs of the rich at random and spraypainted ‘Nobody dances or everybody dances’ on the club’s walls, the Tupamaros that robbed banks and at the same time either handed out leaflets to people inside the bank on why they were doing it, or taking evidence of bank fraud and corruption and giving it to a local judge that ends up in the imprisonment of government and bank hierarchy. Bring ’em back. C’monnnnn. They were (mostly) great blokes (and chicks).
The Highpoint: World Cup winners, 1930 and 1950
Okay, okay, yes, Uruguay have made two World Cup finals and won them both, the second against Brazil in front of a world record 200,000 at Brazil’s Maracanã, after coming back from behind (just like in 1930). And the latter result did lead to Brazilians being treated for shock and to this be mourned as Brazil’s well, now, second greatest tragedy, and undoubtedly Uruguay’s greatest glory. No big deal.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
24 Nov 2022
URUGUAY 🇺🇾 x 🇰🇷 SOUTH KOREA
28 Nov 2022
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹 x 🇺🇾 URUGUAY
2 Dec 2022
GHANA 🇬🇭 x 🇺🇾 URUGUAY