Categories :

Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | SWITZERLAND: The Toby Flenderson of International Football

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Switzerland, which has taken part at the World Cup 11 times.

The Swiss national team can be crazy and fun too, just look at its square flag, one of only two in the world

SWITZERLAND
The Toby Flenderson of International Football

Nickname: Nati (National Team)
FIFA Ranking: 16 (August 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified, finishing ahead Italy, Bulgaria, Northern Ireland and Lithuania

Sorry to break it to you, but Switzerland National Football Team once again, are back at the World Cup…

Oh, you didn’t know? Yep. It’s the job of all 210 other national teams in world football to try make the game interesting, and its Switzerland National Football Team’s job is to try make football–and the world–lame. And they’ve done a pretty good job of it so far.

Disputably neutral but undoubtedly lame, of all the boring teams in all the boring villages, Switzerland National Football Team stands alone. Despite having the sport’s governing body FIFA located within its own borders, its prime strategic and geopolitical position situated in the heart of central Europe, as well as the fact that it has qualified for the World Cup 12 times (qualifying as hosts in 1954), and even reached the quarter finals twice…who does Swiss National Team think they are? What gives them the right? Every time people tune into the World Cup for some fun, Switzerland National Football Team make it not that way. Swiss National Team at the World Cup are so dull that it’s offensive. And lame. So, double offensive.

Here… Here you go. Here’s a perfect example of His Awfulness, Switzerland National Football Team, making everyone sad and hate life at the 2006 World Cup. Go on, try and watch this whole thing, the whole way through. I’ve spared you the video of the match in its entirety but if you can find that and give that a go, there you go, there’s 120 minutes plus penalties that me and my mate Leroy won’t get back, drinking expensive as fuck mojitos somewhere in a bar in some town in Germany whose name and location I forget, so the least you can do is waste 7 minutes and 34 seconds of your life watching the following lowlights from Switzerland vs Ukraine at the 2006 World Cup. Tellin’ ya, if you had two bullets and Switzerland National Football Team, Osama Bin Laden and Hitler were in the room, you would shoot Switzerland National Football Team twice.

Apart from Yann Sommer (see below) and Xherdan Shaqiri, you just can’t help hating, so much, about the things that Switzerland National Football Team chooses to be.

One to watch: The Large Hadron Collider

Located at the CERN Nuclear research centre near Geneva, the Large Hadron Collider, like, makes particles go really fast so they smash into each other at crazy ass speed in order to simulate unwitnessed physical phenomenon such as the big bang and the formation of the universe, I’m pretty sure. In doing so, the scientists at the facility have been working on answering Humanity’s greatest questions like ‘How did we get here?’, ‘Wait, wasn’t the universe created by What’shisname? You know, the angry dude from the book? GOD. That’s it. Wasn’t it him?’, ‘Is a particle an actual thing?’, ‘Yeah, ‘course I know what the LHC is and what it does, but just out of curiosity, can you tell me what you think it does?’ and ‘Yeah that’s that thing where scientists just fuck around and get away with living like adult children doing mega cool, expensive as shit experiments all day and no one bats an eye lid because you know, they’re unlocking the mysteries of the universe but not really actually do anything of true intrinsic value, right?’

All these answers and more are being answered every day at CERN, so go ahead and stop on by! Who knows, maybe the science adult children will even let you fuck around with it a bit too!

The Highpoint: Round of 16, 2006 World Cup, I mean, I guess, but geezzz (and the birth of Yann Sommer, The Almighty)

Although the Swiss have reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup twice in their history, they made history in the summer of 2006 as they became the first to be eliminated from a World Cup without conceding a goal while still making you want to scoop your eyeballs out with a teaspoon. Drawing 0-0 with France in their opening group game, next they defeated Togo 2-0, and then South Korea by the same scoreline, which earned them a spot in the knockout stage and a match-up against Ukraine.

Against the Ukrainians, Switzerland once again didn’t concede a goal, but they didn’t score one either, even in GD penalties, and were bundled out by the Ukrainians after a 0-0 stalemate (3-0 on penalties) in the worst fucking World Cup game ever (see above for highlights that will make you hate football).

On a brighter note, and to wash the taste of that gross match out of your mouth and the subsequent vomit it inevitably induced, Yann Sommer. Yann fucking Sommer. Born on the 17th December 1988, Sommer–otherwise known as God–is the greatest entity to emanate from Switzerland, and despite alternative reports, in actual fact, when researchers and experts at CERN describe the etymological origins of the ‘God Particle’, and the painstaking research that lead to its discovery, it was Sommer they were actually looking for, in a pursuit of the truth of how He is so great and how He is so righteous. As anodyne as it may be, He will be The Reason Switzerland go deep in Qatar this November and December. Praise Him and His glory!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

In whatever language you ask for it, just make sure you keep it down when getting your legal assisted euthanasia in Switzerland, and out of respect for your neighbours, don’t do it on a Sunday!

Upcoming matches

UEFA NATIONS LEAGUE | LEAGUE A
24 Sep 2022
SPAIN 🇪🇸 x 🇨🇭 SWITZERLAND

27 Sep 2022
SWITZERLAND 🇨🇭 x 🇨🇿 CZECH REPUBLIC

BULLSHIT FRIENDLY
17 Nov 2022
SWITZERLAND 🇨🇭 x 🇬🇭 GHANA

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
24 Nov 2022
SWITZERLAND 🇨🇭 x 🇨🇲 CAMEROON

28 Nov 2022
BRAZIL 🇧🇷 x 🇨🇭 SWITZERLAND

2 Dec 2022
SERBIA 🇷🇸 x 🇨🇭 SWITZERLAND