***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Singapore, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
“You don’t have to worry about it, just leave the goal open.”
Nickname: The Lions
FIFA Ranking: 159 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below Saudi Arabia, Uzbekistan and Palestine
Living in the safest country in the world, Singaporeans feel confident enough leaving their houses unlocked when they go out, their belongings on the table while in restaurant bathrooms and their goal exposed when they venture upfield.
Singaporeans’ peace of mind is the result of a robust economy, a comprehensive social security system and severe punishments for criminal offenders, and while this works well off the field, on it this lax approach to protecting the ball and its own net is principally to blame for the national team’s lacklustre standing in international soccer. With little to be concerned about security-wise, it’s no wonder that Singapore’s so keen on wandering out of defence without any real concern, regularly resulting in the opposition exploiting this carelessness and walking in decisive goals without any notable resistance from the Lions.
At 159th in the FIFA World Rankings, Singapore’s penchant for getting breached by its opposition due to its blasé defence of its own turf has become somewhat of a signature. But while they haven’t got close to a FIFA World Cup berth, on occasion (four to be exact) the good karma has come back, with Singapore hoisting the trophy of South East Asia’s premier international competition, the AFF Championship in 1998, 2004, 2007 and 2012.
One to watch: The Merlion
Known as the mythical symbol of Singapore, the half-fish, half-lion Merlion is also the personification of the city-state of Singapore. But how would that even work? What, it’s gonna chase down an antelope bolting at 65 km/h by flapping and flailing about on the ground like a wet lunatic, is it? Or evade the largest predators in the sea by spraying them meekly with its flaccid stream of vanilla foam? C’mon Singapore. I mean, c’mon. Let’s be realistic here.
The Highpoint: All four AFF Championship trophy wins (but especially the one against Indonesia hahaha🤣🤣🤣…pfft, Indonesia, am I right?)
Emerging victorious in every final its competed in, Singapore are four-time winners of the AFF Championship (second only to Thailand with six), having most recently hoisted the trophy aloft in 2012. And while each of the triumphs was a remarkable achievement for the tiny nation, truly the best one when they beat Indonesia in 2004. Indonesia are not only the George Costanzas of Asian football, but they are also the bizarro-Singapores, not only flying a bizarro-Singapore flag but also having lost every final they’ve competed in (six times). Well played, Indonesia! Well played! Well played! chat disabled
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Nope. Failed to qualify for the AFC Asian Cup 2023 but probably going to travel somewhere during the tournament anyway (and leave all its doors unlocked)