***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Samoa, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
“There’s only room for one Samoa in the Samoan archipelago (talkin’ to you, American Samoa)”
FIFA Ranking: 191 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Withdrew from Oceania World Cup qualification tournament
“American Samoa thinks it so hot, doesn’t it? With its US license plates, American dollars and driving on the right side of the road, it struts around the Samoan archipelago like its king dick. But you know what, American Samoa, if you’re so lit or fire or ‘don’t go there’ or ‘talk to the hand’ or any other expressions Americans like to use, then why have you never beaten us once in the ten times you’ve played us, huh? Sure you might dominate us in American football, but you ain’t so tough when you’re wearing shinpads and running around a grass field not touching a ball with your hands are ya?
“Yeah I thought so. And sure, you can stop a 3rd and inches attempt in the red zone or bat down a hail Mary attempt on a 4th and a mile on the last play of the fourth quarter, but when it comes to soccer, you don’t know your ass from your headers. But there’s a reason there’s officially only one ‘Samoa’ now (And don’t talk to us about something called ‘Western Samoa’. What is that anyway? You’re probably remembering history wrong.) So we’d like to thank you for all ten wins you’ve gifted us, the 44 goals you’ve let us have, and may the tides of the Pacific Ocean have mercy on you and wash your souls clean for the 5 cursed goals you’ve put past us throughout our 10 match “rivalry”. #Neverforget
One to watch: Kilikiti (Pacific Islands cricket)
If you think cricket is boring as shit and the sport just does your head in, you might want to give Kilikiti (aka kirikiki or kirikiti) a crack. One of Samoa’s national sports, it involves brighter colours, bigger wickets, more people can take part at the same time (anyone who rocks up, regardless of age or gender is in), each team has a dedicated Faia’oga or ‘jester’ whose job is to heckle the opposition and rouse their own, and the whole game can be over in as little as an hour. Gone are the days of playing for five days and the bullshit match still ending in a draw, standing around in the field all day not having anything to do except scratch your nuts or pick your nose, or the old highlights the TV broadcaster puts on during rain delays being the most interesting part of a test match, because here comes Kilikiti to smash cricket for a ‘boundary 4’ or a ‘boundary 6’ with the lapalapa (bat). Just make sure that if you’re the home team, bring enough food for everyone, because if you don’t, you lose by forfeit.
The Highpoint: Winning at least one game in every World Cup qualifying campaign
Having picked up at least one victory in every World Cup qualification it’s taken part in (since 1998), Samoa have a record that other FIFA members like Gibraltar, Somalia, Sri Lanka and Saint Kitts & Nevis (among others) can only dream about. Now, sure, these wins came against Tonga, Cook Islands and American Samoa (knobs), but it’s still an impressive achievement to be the envy of nations like Azerbaijan, Djibouti or American Samoa (of course), who’ve emerged from failed World Cup qualifying campaigns without even a solitary win, let alone national teams such as Pakistan and Anguilla, who haven’t even won a single World Cup match in their entire history. If you twist your brain and think just for a moment in a bizarre kind of fucked up way, this record alone puts Samoa in exclusive company and among world soccer’s most elite.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
After withdrawing from World Cup 2022 qualifying, it’s now been three years since a competitive fixture (the 2019 Pacific Games) so even one meaningful match soon would be nice, thank you