***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Philippines, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Just playing this stupid sport because all the basketball courts are taken
Nickname: Azkals (Street Dogs)
FIFA Ranking: 134 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from third round (AFC) group stage, finishing below Palestine and as the lowest ranked runner-up
Basketball is by far the most popular sport in the Philippines, with the sport deeply ingrained in the country’s history and culture. The Philippines has more NBA fans than any other country in the world and its national team is the second most successful in Asian basketball history. So it’s no wonder that the national football team would rather be shooting Js and throwing down monster jams than fucking about with keepie-uppies, header practice and playing a sport where you can play for 90 minutes (or more) and no one even scores once. The only reason it even has a national soccer team is because all the basketball courts are taken and there’s nowhere to play.
Having never qualified for the World Cup, and the AFC Asian Cup only once, it’s crystal clear that the Azkals couldn’t be assed with a sport where you can’t even touch the ball with your hands and in which trying to toss the ball into the goal is frowned upon.
What kind of sport is that, anyway? Why can’t you reject the shit out of your opponent by swatting their shot out of bounds when they fire for goal, and then wave a finger in their face while you tell them ‘No No No’ alas Dikembe Mutombo? And since when is just punting the ball a normal thing to do? Yeah, alright.
That’s called kickball–its a goddamn foot violation every damn time, and that’s the way it should be. There’s a reason the Philippines totally sucks ass at soccer–Ball don’t lie.
One to watch: The basketball team instead
Fuck the soccer team, because all things considered, the national basketball team kicks ass, and in fact are historically the 2nd most successful team in Asia. So get involved with them (just to reiterate, forget the soccer team, okay? Forget ’em.), watch Erik Spoelstra closely moving up and down the sidelines, and started getting fired up about the FIBA World Cup being co-hosted by the Philippines next year. Now’s the time for you to jump on board the Philippines national soccer team (and off board the soccer team).
The Highpoint: Asian Cup 2019
In 2019, The Philippines National Team took part in their first ever major tournament, heading to the UAE for the AFC Asian Cup. Filipino fans were hopeful of a decent showing, particularly as the team had gone one better than 2015 where they just fell short in qualifying for the 2015 edition in Australia. Despite some expectations present somewhere, The Azkals just phoned it in and got rammed in their three group games, but on the plus side, the hotel they were staying at had cable and they were able to tune in and watch the NBA every night (except for the 3 nights they had to play) in a slightly more convenient timezone than back home. January ball in the NBA was far more interesting than what the Azkals did at the 2019 Asian Cup, and sadly for the side they missed watching several NBA games in that stretch due to the bullshit Asian Cup matches they were forced to play.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
FIFA WORLD CUP
Pfft haha yeah right.
FIBA WORLD CUP 2023
You better fucken believe it. It’s gonna be in The Philippines and they’ve got a real shot at it!