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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | GUATEMALA: “GODDDD… Whatever we do, we get banned”

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Guatemala, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Sadly for Guatemala, it’s not allowed to take its swords and rifles out on the field of play

GUATEMALA
“GODDDD… Whatever we do, we get banned”

Nickname: Los Chapines 
FIFA Ranking: 116 (June 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (CONCACAF) group stage, finishing below Curaçao

Guatemala just can’t get a break. Every time it basically does ANYTHING, and especially anything it enjoys, it gets freaking banned.

Whether it’s FIFA suspending them from international competition for corruption, individual national team players getting banned for life from competition or getting banned from Roblox because of sex predators and scammers, it just never ends. Can’t everyone just get off Guatemala’s case and let it have just one measly sliver of joy in its miserable life? Or is that too much to ask?

The ban bullshit all started back in 1966, when Guatemala were kicked out of qualifying for the World Cup in England, after FIFA denied their request to participate.

An artist’s rendition of the Guatemala national football federation getting their request to join the 1966 World Cup denied

Then, get this right, in 2014, two of the national team’s best players, Guillermo Ramirez and Gustavo Cabrera, both of whom had been capped over 100 times, were banned for life, and all they did was get involved with a touch of match fixing.

Guillermo “El Pando” Ramirez was banned for life just for dabbling in a spot of match fixing
Along with El Pando (above), Gustavo Cabrera was also banned for life for a match-fixing whoopsie daisy

Then, fuck it, in 2016, just a month after they had come off their best ever World Cup qualifying performance, winning nine of twelve matches in the first round (even drawing with the USA along the way), and celebrating spearhead Luis Ruiz becoming the all-time leading World Cup qualifying goalscorer, FIFA banned Guatemala again. I mean, sure, the Guatemalans didn’t advance to the next round, but GOD, even before the dust settled and they were still coming to terms with another failed World Cup attempt, yep, FUCKING BANNED. And for what? Corruption? And for just doing things their own whatever way and not how FIFA wants? Pssshhht, gimme a break.

Next, in March 2021, a Guatemalan league player was banned for five years, just for punching a ref in the face. And that wasn’t the first time a Guatemalan had been banned for something so minor. The same thing happened in the Guatemalan league back in 2016, when a player first headbutted and then struck a referee with a haymaker, but that was it. Nothing else. And not only was he banned but he was arrested too. GEEZ

This snake was also banned from the football

And here’s the kicker. In December last year, ROBLOX, the least dangerous place in Guatemala, was banned too, all because kids were being targeted by sex predators and scammers (even though you can’t even type two numbers in the chat without it being censored). Not to mention the fact that Roblox was actually the safest place for kids to be in Guatemala. The sexual deviants and criminal nutjobs on Roblox are freaking angels compared to the ones on the actual streets of Guatemala.. GODDDDD.

As of Dec 2021, Guatemala are prohibited from playing soccer in the arena they were at their best (on Roblox)

Can everyone just get off Guatemala’s back and stop banning them from everything FFS??

One to watch: World Cup qualifying’s leading all-time scorer (not the good part of the World Cup though) Carlos ‘The Fish’ Ruiz and his unpaid child support bill

Forget about Ronaldo, stuff Leo Messi in the trash, throw Sunil Chettri into the dumpster and you can take Ali Daei to the dump because it’s not any of those guys who are the all-time leading goal scorer in World Cup history. It’s actually some guy from Guatemala, Carlos ‘The Fish” Ruiz. And mirroring his astonishingly high goal tally is his equally as astonishing unpaid child support bill.

Now, that scoring record I’m talkin’ about is QUALIFYING history, meaning that all those goals were basically for nothing, since none of them were scored at the actual World Cup. Plus, as Guatemala have never qualified for the tournament, not one of those goals even helped the team reach the finals either. On the plus side, he does hold the record for being the antagonistic cockhead with the most goals never to have played at a World Cup, and is the first ever player in World Cup history to have his daughter ask then-president Donald Trump to deport him for owing over $300,000 in child support.

So… well done, Carlos Ruiz?

*SIDENOTE: His daughter did also write whatever this is below, which had something to do with Dallas and his stint at the LA Galaxy in the early 2000s. She’s supposed to be a junior reporter in the United States and ok yeah it is Twitter, but maybe in this case, The Fish is doing the right thing and skirting his responsibility?…:

Carlos Ruiz’s daughter makes a strong case for her dad’s innocence

The Highpoint: Record-breaking shithead Carlos Ruiz

For the most part, Guatemala’s World Cup qualifying history has been disappointing, and if we’re just talking in terms of advancing to the actual finals, well, it’s been nothing but an abject failure. That said, you wouldn’t know it just by watching any of cockhead Carlos Ruiz’s record-breaking 39 World Cup qualifying goals. So although Los Chapines have never taken the field in a World Cup finals match, at least there’s that.

“Caballeros y Señoras of Guatemala, your record-breaking shithead, CARRRRRRLOSSSSS RUIZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!”

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Bus drivers in Guatemalan have one of the most dangerous jobs in the world, with drivers often paying with their lives for unpaid extortion demands made by local gangs

Upcoming matches

BULLSHIT FRIENDLIES
24 September 2022
COLOMBIA 🇨🇴 x 🇬🇹 GUATEMALA

27 September 2022
HONDURAS 🇭🇳 x 🇬🇹 GUATEMALA

CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP 2023 QUALIFYING
24 March 2023
BELIZE 🇧🇿 x 🇬🇹 GUATEMALA

27 March 2023
GUATEMALA 🇬🇹 x 🇬🇫 FRENCH GUIANA