***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Cayman Islands, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
CAYMAN ISLANDS: DON’T BELIEVE FIFA’S LIES! HERE IS THE TRUTH!! Cayman Islands are joint-defending World Champions (with Guyana, Cuba and Lesotho)… DON’T buy into the FIFA LIES. France are FAKE NEWS World Cup champions. There’s a WAR on for YOUR MIND!!!
Nickname: The Turtles
FIFA Ranking: 197 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round group stage (CONCACAF), finishing bottom of group, below Canada, Suriname, Bermuda and Aruba
If you’re one of the sheeple that believe that the legitimate winner of the 2018 World Cup was decided by the team that won the final in Moscow four years ago then, sure, go ahead, kid yourself into believing that it was France that won the final and are now defending champions. But if you don’t buy into the FIFA LIES, I’ve got THE TRUTH FOR YOU: The World Cup champion is ACTUALLY the team/s who go undefeated throughout the whole World Cup process (qualifying and the Final tournament), therefore the REAL defending World Cup champions right now are Cayman Islands, Cuba, Lesotho and Guyana. WELCOME TO THE TRUTH.
While FAKE NEWS France LOST during the 2018 World Cup (losing 2-1 away to Sweden in qualifying), all four REAL 2018 World Cup champions did not drop a single game along the way. The TRUE WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS, Cayman Islands (along with Lesotho, Cuba and Guyana) did NOT LOSE ONCE in qualifying and the Finals. The Cayman Islands DID NOT LOSE at all in the 2018 World Cup, winning the World Cup after not losing to Belize, while Cuba, Lesotho and Guyana also went undefeated, winning the World Cup against Curaçao, Comoros and Saint Vincent and Grenadines respectively. Yet due to a CONSPIRACY by THE NEW WORLD ORDER, THE ILLUMINATI, THE FREEMASONS AND AS WAS PROPHESIED IN THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION, neither Lesotho, Guyana, Cuba or Cayman Islands are officially recognised as 2018 world champions.
CONSPIRACY aside, the historical FACT remains that the Cayman Islands, Cuba, Guyana and Lesotho are the GENUINE current defending world champions. And what makes the Cayman Islands achievement all the more remarkable is that they’ve never actually won a game in World Cup qualifying either. Sadly though, the Cayman Islands, nor one of the three other TRUE World Champions will be there in Qatar to defend their crown, but with qualifying for the 2026 World Cup only a year or so away, we’ll soon see the 2018 World Cup joint-winners back in action, aiming to go undefeated yet again.
One to watch: Your diving equipment, just to make sure it’s been updated or at least serviced since the first diving trip in 1957
Home to some wicked drop offs, an abundance of sunken wrecks and a spectacular coral reef, the Cayman Islands is the site of the world’s first ever legitimate scuba diving shop. First started by Bob Soto in 1957, the first ever dives took place off the coast of Grand Cayman island, whereby Soto would take divers out to sea and take them down with home-crafted weights made of melted batteries, backpacks made of plywood and fire extinguishers converted into oxygen tanks. Soto’s idea over 60 years ago lead to the explosion of one of today’s most popular recreational activities, giving Soto–recognised as ‘The father of diving’–and the Cayman Islands a special place in the annals of diving history. Just keep an eye out though, because although Soto’s and the Cayman Islands’ role in the creation of diving is noteworthy, diving technology has advanced significantly since the 1950s, so don’t feel bad about saying something if your instructor sends you down with a backpack made of wood and a fire extinguisher with which for you to breathe. ‘We honour our Father by doing as He did’ is not a valid reason for the continued use of such outdated scuba equipment.
The Highpoint: Having a team stacked with English and Scottish league players in 2000 (at least until FIFA found out a game later and banned them)
For a fleeting moment, things looked promising for the Cayman Islands national soccer team, and it was all due to the team recruiting a cadre of previously uncapped British players from the top English and Scottish leagues. Tranmere Rovers captain Wayne Allison, Motherwell’s Ged Brannan, Lincoln City’s David Barnett, Birmingham’s Martin O’Connor, Bristol City’s Dwayne Plummer, Fulham’s Barry Hayles, Southend United’s Neville Roach and Boreham Wood’s Neil Sharpe were all called up to the squad for their 2002 World Cup qualifying playoff against Cuba, which was proceeded by a friendly against MLS side DC United. This would be the only game the ringers would play, as FIFA stepped in before their Cuba matchup and banned them for not meeting FIFA’s eligibility criteria, with none of the players having been born in the Caymans, resided there for five years or having Caymanian descendents. They were told to pack their bags and the Cayman Islands then proceeded to get swept aside by the Cubans 4-0 on aggregate. Points for trying, Turtles!
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP 2023 QUALIFYING
26 March 2023
PUERTO RICO 🇵🇷 x 🇰🇾 CAYMAN ISLANDS