***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Bermuda, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Despite its reputation, no evidence to suggest losses occur with more frequency
Nickname: Gombey Warriors
FIFA Ranking: 168 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round group stage (CONCACAF), finishing 3rd behind Canada and Suriname
The roughly triangular patch of ocean that stretches south from Bermuda and plays host to the Bermuda national team has become notorious for unexplained losses, mysterious disappearances and unusual activity, however, when compared to statistics on a global scale, by and large there is nothing out of the ordinary about the Bermuda national soccer team.
Subjects of a myth that has been sensationalised by authors and conspiracy theorists over the last half a century, the Bermuda national team and the events surrounding it have been blown out of proportion. While it is true that the team has gone missing on several occasions, and cryptic behaviour has lead to periodic, severe losses, when viewing the evidence and transcripts of its recorded performances, inexplicable losses and disappearances of players in the Bermuda national team do not happen with any more frequency than anywhere else in CONCACAF or any of FIFA’s five other confederations.
Despite its ordinary qualities, Bermuda has sunken the likes of Mexico in the 1969 CONCACAF Championship (the precursor to the Gold Cup), Trinidad and Tobago in World Cup Qualifying and even bore witness to a successfully completed voyage to the 2019 Gold Cup Finals where they swallowed Nicaragua 2-0 in the group stage. With evidence such as this, and only the rare regulation 6-0 loss (to Denmark, Mexico and Suriname), the myth of the strange occurrences that surround the Bermuda national team are little more than manufactured lies.
One to watch: Prospera’s fury
Attend me, I pray thee, mark me. For shalt thou voyage betwixt the Caribbean and the East Atlantic, towards the savage seas that encircle fair Bermuda, thou shalt pay heed to the betrayed and vengeful Prospera.
Considered a sorceress and a tyrant by the natives, thou shalt likely be left unscathed from her furious wrath, but hath thou performed acts of foul play, egregious treachery and sinister overthrow of the throne, lo, she, with the aid of the indebted spirit servant Ariel, whom she compassionately released from the twisted knots of a cloven pine tree, shall ensure thine shipmaster, boatswain and crew are tossed violently overboard and thine vessel destroyed with the fury of Neptune, reduced to little more than a pile of flaming flotsam amidst the basin of the North Atlantic Ocean.
Thus mark me. Hark, should thine soul be blemished with the cursed supplantation and usurpation of the throne that is not rightfully thine, I beseech you, the righteous Prospera shalt not allay the waves nor spare thy soul. Thus mark me: repent thine sin prior to thine venture towards the shore of Bermuda, lest thou be dealt the furious blow of a thunderous storm with the fire of a thousand hells, be struck with the rage of a thousand Satans and thence plagued and then flayed by the almighty Prospera.
The Highpoint: 2019 CONCACAF Gold Cup
If you’re like what I used to be, you probably think, ‘ahh yeah, Bermuda, just another shitty team from NOT in the Caribbean as every factsite keeps pointing out’, but you’d be wrong. The Gombey Warriors are not only a tough competitor on the regional stage, but they have done something that CONCACAF’s smaller nations can only dream of–qualifying for the CONCACAF Gold Cup. In fact, they are among an even more elite class of sides that have actually won a game at the tournament, defeating Nicaragua 2-0 in their final group game at the 2019 edition. For a tiny island nation such as this, this truly was their finest hour.
But then you’ve got Qatar, which has won a bunch of Gold Cup games and even made the semis in 2021, and they’re not even a member of CONCACAF. So, to sum up: Bermuda = better than the US Virgin Islands, British Virgin Islands and all the other bullshit tiny island teams, but not better than Middle Eastern nation Qatar.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP 2023 QUALIFYING
25 March 2023
BERMUDA 🇧🇲 x 🇬🇾 GUYANA
28 March 2023
HAITI 🇭🇹 x 🇧🇲 BERMUDA