***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Barbados, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
Work, work, work, work, work, work
Nickname: Bajan Tridents
FIFA Ranking: 166 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round group stage (CONCACAF), finishing 3rd in group below Panama and Dominican Republic
NOTE: Hit play first (below), then start reading:
He said Barbados national soccer team haffi work, work, work, work, work, work, particularly as the side’s never even reached the final round of qualifying for the World Cup or the CONCACAF Gold Cup. Dey see dem do dey dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt with some gritty results over the years, such as defeating Costa Rica in the penultimate round of qualifying for the 2002 World Cup and finishing runners up in the 1985 Caribbean Cup and fourth in the 2005 edition, so the Bajan Tridents gotta keep puttin’ in work, work, work, work, work, work.
When you ah guh learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, because despite soccer living in the shadows of cricket (the national sport), the national team’s limited historical success, grassroot challenges in development of talent, its already faint hopes of World Cup qualification, and the countless examples of other national teams being sanctioned by FIFA for fielding ineligible players, Barbados nah learn in qualifying for the 2018 World Cup when it fielded disqualified Hadan Holligan and subsequently had their second round win over Aruba overturned by FIFA. Meh nuh cyar if him hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurting, and in fact him nuh seem to be, because Holliday remains in the national team mix to this day, and is aiming to take part in their upcoming 2026 World Cup qualifying run.
Work, work, work, work, work, work Barbados, because qualifying for the 2026 World Cup-back in you own backyard in North America-kicks off soon and trouble don’t set up like rain.
One to watch: Garfield Sobers pummeling some poor sap for 6 sixes in an over
Sadly in soccer there’s no benefit to smashing the ball out of the stadium and into nearby streets likely causing damage or serious injury to someone. Fortunately there is a sport where such tactics are encouraged though, and that sport is cricket.
When the day comes that the rules of soccer are modified and pumping the ball fucking as far out of the ground as possible becomes just as important in the sport as scoring goals, expect Barbados (and Antigua and Barbuda) to dominate international soccer, claiming FIFA World Cup after FIFA World Cup. But for the time being, watch these highlights of one of the greatest ever cricketers and possibly the game’s greatest ever all-rounder demonstrating how the sport of soccer could be just as good as cricket if it instituted one key rule change to Law 10 of the rules of Association Football, to wit: “A goal is scored when the ball passes completely over a goal line or gets fucking BELTED out of the stadium. The team with the most goals at full-time or the most balls fucking TONKED out of the park will determine the outcome of the match. “
The Highpoint: Beating Costa Rica in World Cup 2002 qualifying
In CONCACAF qualifying for the 2002 World Cup, Bahamas went into the second last round full of confidence. After defeating Grenada, Aruba and then Cuba on penalties, the Bajan Tridents took their place in the semi-final round alongside the United States, Costa Rica and Guatemala. Soon, things would go from hopeful to Oh fuck, hang on we might be a chance here, after a come-from-behind 2-1 victory over Costa Rica in their opening group match in Bridgetown. Ecstatic after achieving its greatest result in its history, Barbados soon went from Oh fuck we might be a chance here to Aah fuck, not again, oh well, it was good while it lasted, as they went on to lose every one of their following five group matches, scoring only one more goal in the process (conceding 19) and were eliminated from contention due to finishing bottom of the group.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP QUALIFYING 2023
24 March 2023
BARBADOS 🇧🇧 x 🇨🇺 CUBA
27 March 2023
ANTIGUA AND BARBUDA 🇦🇬 x 🇧🇧 BARBADOS