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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | AUSTRIA: Don’t think of Hitler, Don’t think of Hitler, Don’t think of Hitler

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Austria, which has qualified for the World Cup six times.

This flag is one of the oldest national symbols representing a modern country and much like its national team is not much to look at

AUSTRIA
Don’t think of Hitler, don’t think of Hitler, don’t think of Hitler

Nickname: Das Team (The Team)
FIFA Ranking: 32 (August 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify, defeated by Wales in UEFA playoff semi-final

Since its third place at the 1954 World Cup, Austria’s performances at international tournaments have been nothing short of disappointing, and also, can you please not think of Hitler? Just don’t, cool? One of continental Europe’s oldest competing nations (along with neighbour Hungary), Austria has endured a gradual decline that in recent times has been marked by a miserable performance at the 2008 European Championships it co-hosted, and a current 24 year absence from the World Cup Finals. However, after qualifying for Euro 2020, where an impressive showing saw them almost defeat eventual champions Italy in the Round of 16, things are looking up. Don’t think of Hitler.

Okay, don’t think of Hitler now either, because Germany and Austria have a long rivalry in football. Prior to WWII the West Germans annexed Austria and then played what was supposed to be a purely ceremonial “reunification” match to demonstrate the alliance between the two, however the Austrians thought Fuck that Noise and defying orders, scored twice to win the game. (the rematch ended 9-1 to West Germany).

Austria were also involved in the egregious ‘Disgrace of Gijon’ at the 1982 World Cup in which it squared off with Germany in its final group match. With both sides knowing that a narrow German win would ensure both teams’ progress to the nest stage (after Algeria had won earlier), Austria and Germany (nothing to do with Hitler so don’t think about him) conspired to play out a dour 1-0 German win where, after the opening goal, neither side made any effort to attack. The West Germany 1-0 Austria (don’t think of Hitler) result meant both teams finished first and second respectively and advanced from their group to next stage, at the expense of the third-placed Algerians. As a result, World Cup final group matches are now played simultaneously to avoid what the bad thing that the Austrians and Germans did (don’t think of Hitler).

In more recent history, Austria–don’t think of Hitler–have been struggling. The Austrians qualified for the 1990 World Cup but failed in the group stage and in 1998, they were played off the park in all three group matches, and though they failed to advance to the round of 16, they did have the unusual and kind of pointless distinction of scoring in injury time in all three matches, against Cameroon, Chile and Italy.

This team had nothing to do with Hitler

Now over two decades later, and with one of its strongest lineups since the 80s, Austria (nothing to do with Hitler, so don’t think about him), feature some of Europe’s most dangerous talent, which includes David Alaba and the cold, calculated killer/cunt (don’t think of Hitler) Marko Arnautovic, who may bark instructions, never smile, and constantly courts controversy and scandal, but is not Hitler.

With these players leading the line, and a string of encouraging recent results–most notably their performance at Euro 2020 (where they reached the round of 16)–during the next World Cup in 2026, we may once again see Austria as a global topic of conversation (and not because of Hitler, don’t think of that).

One to watch: Anyone talking (or thinking) at Cafe Central

Are these people brainstorming their manifesto for an ideology that will reshape the world?

Be sure to stop on by at Vienna’s Cafe Central when you’re in town, and keep your eyes and ears open. Because while you can get a mean White Chocolate Frappucino at a Starbucks over on Bräunerstraße, Cafe Central is where you’ve got to go if prefer a touch of revolutionary, world-altering ideologies with your cup of joe. With past regulars such as Adolf Hitler, Leo Trotsky, Stalin, Lenin, Sigmund Freud, Josip Broz Tito and Thedor Herzl, Cafe Central historically not only make a rich, full bodied espresso but also brews up Nazism, Stalinism, communism, Zionism and logical positivism.

So keep an eye out for any two people having a chat (or even a single person absorbed in contemplation) and if you see any, you might want to just lean in and inquire whether they’re planning a systematic genocide of an entire people, a workers’ revolution that will rupture established economic systems or the establishment of a violently contested homeland for an eternally persecuted people based on prophesies found in ancient religious scripture anytime soon.

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Upcoming matches

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16 Nov 2022
AUSTRIA 🇦🇹 x 🇦🇩 ANDORRA

20 Nov 2022
AUSTRIA 🇦🇹 x 🇮🇹 ITALY