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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | ARMENIA: Here come the waterworks 😭

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Armenia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

The red stripe on Armenia’s flag represents the suffering its national team has gone through, with the other two stripes added only because you can’t just have a fully red flag

ARMENIA
Here come the waterworks

Armenia’s national team players beseeching the Christian God to tell them why, why, why they have to suffer so much

Nickname: Լեռնականներ (Lerrnakanner, The Mountaineers)
FIFA Ranking: 93 (October 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Germany, North Macedonia, Romania and above Iceland and Liechtenstein

You thought Indonesia or Scotland have had it bad… well, that’s nothing compared to Armenia. So get ready to cry me a river because here come the waterworks.

Every time things start looking up for Armenia, its struck down with poor form, an ability to defeat lowly opponents or terminal illness. The latter dealt the team possibly its greatest blow, as just as Armenia was making its way up the FIFA rankings and hopes were high of a possible trip to Euro 2008 following rousing victories over Kazakhstan, Poland and a 1-1 draw with a Cristiano Ronaldo-lead Portugal, in 2007, the team’s coach Ian Porterfield died of cancer. Beleaguered and reeling, the team managed to rally behind its new coach and even got to the brink of qualifying for a playoff spot at Euro 2012. But then, of course, in the decisive match against the Republic of Ireland they blew it, getting their keeper sent off for a handball that never was, an Irish striker getting off scot-free for actually handling the ball before the incident, then conceding a dreadful own goal, going on to lose 2-1 and hence falling short of a shot at qualifying for its first ever major tournament. But what did you expect?

Armenia in a common position-dejected, suffering and without a clue as to what just happened (and why)

As an independent nation, Armenia’s short stint in international football has brought nothing but misery. Since its first attempt at qualifying for the 1998 World Cup, The Mountaineers have never finished above 4th in its group. Its first four World Cup campaigns were shockers, but in the 2014 World Cup, its best to date, mid-way through qualifying, a tilt at a playoff spot looked a real possibility, after stunning back-to-back away defeats of Denmark (4-0) and Czech Republic (2-1) had them in the mix for the coveted runners-up spot. However, after its impressive victories away from home, it still wasn’t enough and though it lead group winners Italy on the last match day, it still managed to only finish fourth and well off a required second place finish (either way, Denmark, the group runners-up, would end up as the worst runner up among all groups anyway, missing out on a World Cup spot).

All Armenian defender Arman Hovhannisyan wants from Scottish captain John McGinn is a shoulder to cry on

After encountering nothing but misery time after time, Armenia finally looked like a smidgin of joy would be bestowed upon it for the first time ever, after it lead its World Cup qualifying group (for the first time in its history) for the 2022 World Cup after four games. Following stirring victories away to Iceland, a 3-2 defeat of local rival Romania and a 0-0 stalemate in North Macedonia, the Armenians sat atop all its group opponents, including Germany. Then it actually went to Germany, got routed 6-0, came home for a game against lowly Liechtenstein, and despite a penalty put away by superstar Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Armenia fucked up by squandering a thousand chances before conceding a wretched equalising goal and were left frustrated with 1-1 draw. This all but ended it hopes of reaching second place and a playoff spot AGAIN, in the process heaping just a bit more sadness upon the national team and its fans, as if it hasn’t suffered enough.

As usual, someone celebrating at Armenia’s expense

One to watch: The skies, like 18,000 feet up

If you’re on patrol with your Armenian ground force in Nagorno-Karabakh, you’re gonna wanna forget about watching the terrain. Seriously, fuck it, don’t worry about pissy infantry or road combat vehicles–it’s above your ass that you’re gonna wanna keep an eye out on, specifically a height of 18,000 feet, at which the Turkish TB2 Bayraktar is operational and able to hover undetected and fire and hit a target with pinpoint accuracy. And especially if your air defence systems and radars have already been disabled by Turkish interference and you’re relying on obsolete 20th century Russian equipment and you’re up against a nation with a GDP 4 times yours employing state-of-the-art precise military technology supplied by Turkey and Israel.

Up. Look. Up.

The Highpoint: On top of its World Cup qualifying group, World Cup 2022 (for 4 games, out of 10)

With a country still recovering from a devastating war in Nagorno-Karabakh, four games into its qualifying campaign for the 2022 World Cup, Armenia sat atop its group (featuring Germany), giving a glimmer of joy to its embattled people. With 3 wins and a draw, whispers of qualification for its first ever major competition began stirring. Then they finally faced the 2014 World Champions. Boom. 6-0 Germany. Then Liechtenstein came to town next and twisted the knife. 1-1. Bang. Then, clinging to hopes for a playoff spot, they lead an underwhelming Iceland 1-0 before conceding and only managing a draw, before then heading to Romania and finally being put out of its misery with a 1-0 loss, effectively eliminating it from contention (AGAIN) for a playoff spot. Welp.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Despite kids in Armenia aged 6-8 having compulsory chess classes, bullying in schools is still rampant

Upcoming matches

UEFA EURO 2024 QUALIFYING AND POTENTIAL BLOODBATH | GROUP STAGE
24 March 2024
ARMENIA 🇦🇲 x 🇹🇷 TURKEY